June 18th, 2014
The most important list I’ve ever made
Sometimes making plans is asking for trouble, and as a relentless planner part of me is always tempting fate. Last weekend, after feeling off for a few days, the unexpected happened and my depression flared up with a vengeance. It’s always frustrating to have your plans derailed, but to have them derailed by a tidal wave of hopelessness and exhaustion is even worse.
The weekend was hard, but I finally discovered what had thrown me off balance: I’d been taking cold medicine that interacts with my medication. (How boring is it to have your “kryptonite” be decongestants?) Thankfully, by the end of the weekend my energy was on the rise, and I was feeling more and more like myself.
We all have terrible, no good, very bad days. But I noticed that this time mine took hold, I felt totally different about it than I would have it a year ago.
And that’s not an accident, because what’s chance in the past year is that I got serious about self care.
What’s all this “self care” talk about, anyway?
When I talk about self care, I mean discovering exactly what you need to get by and what you need to thrive.
It’s demystifying what ingredients go into your best days, knowing exactly what can fall to the side when things get tough, and knowing exactly what you can’t let slide no matter what.
Self care is different for everyone, but some of the pieces that make up self care are…
- Eating well
- Taking time to slow down
- Finding community
- Creative self expression
- Sexuality & intimacy
- Loving yourself where you are
- Practicing quieting your self critical voices
- Getting enough sleep
If you think about what the most basic things you need to feel good in a normal week, the key pieces may pop into your mind right away.
While most of us know at least some of what we need, the way we bring that into our lives is often… fuzzy.
But it’s no surprise that being vague about your basic needs can cause serious problems to spring up.
For most of my twenties, I tended to my outer self and to comfort. Especially to comfort. Now don’t get me wrong – I love baking and I love comfort. I’m the reigning queen of hauling my bedspread to the couch and watching movies, and I have a torrid love affair with naps. But just like eating comfort food when you’re sleep deprived, sometimes our default solutions are just quick fixes for symptoms of neglecting ourselves.
Treating yourself to comfort when you need self care is like catching fire & driving to the hospital before you stop, drop & roll.
Up until last year I would start “good habits” like working out, stick with them for a couple weeks, and then let them drop. I’d meal plan one week and eat cereal and popcorn for dinner the next. I didn’t journal at all, didn’t take almost any time offline, and was in the one of the most stressful times in my life as I started out as a full time, self taught web designer. Burnout became a constant part of my life, and my relationships with everyone in my life started to suffer.
Last year, I knew that something had to change, so I started to work with a coach and I started working on a list that broke down my minimum self care.
I started my minimum self care list small, with habits that make me feel calm, nourished and strong. And then I added things that didn’t work for me at all, or habits that I need to stay away from.
My list started with these four pieces:
1. Move your body daily, in ways that you love and look forward to.
2. Speak to your family several times a week, and especially to your grandparents. You make each other laugh an unreasonable amount, and it’s good for everyone.
3. You need to take over 200 mg of Effexor each day to keep your depression and GAD from eating you alive. Period, the end. It’s a neurotransmitter problem, not a character flaw.
4. Take a breath before you say something unkind. There’s a mean, drunk 16 year old version of yourself inside you who doesn’t have your goals, connection or empathy in mind. Don’t let her run anything, especially not your mouth.
And it grew from there.
I tested out new additions to the list and pruned it regularly, until I targeted the pieces of my life that make me feel fabulous and help me to course correct when I get onto the wrong track.
Eventually, my list went from being just a list to being it’s own notebook dedicated to how I can take care of myself, and things that work really well for me that I want to remember for the future.
Ready for a Dare? Start a minimum self care list!
You can start wherever you like, even in a note on your phone. The important part is to get them written down and re-read them every so often. (I re-read mine every month.) Remember, this isn’t meant to be a definitive list you set in stone, so there’s no pressure to get it right and no wrong answers. It’s a living, breathing thing that grows with you.
Get started!
1. What are the top five habits or practices that have the most positive impact on your life? Try to think about a daily, weekly, monthly, or even seasonal basis so you’re not limiting yourself. When do you feel expansive, strong and energized?
2. What are the things that have a direct, negative impact on your life right now? Do you have any “default” behaviours or reactions that aren’t serving you? Any recent experiments in the lab of your life that left you with a sinking feeling? Write them down so you can remember those lessons and be mindful about what’s not in line with your heart.
3. Test it out! Your experience is the only thing that matters, so try adding more of the things that have a positive impact, and reduce the negative things.
4. Schedule a reminder to review and revise your list. Make it part of your monthly or weekly routine – it’s a perfect Sunday morning, while still in bed thing to do. Ask yourself how you feel. Sometimes what you think will be great isn’t, or something small will take you by surprise.
I love this post and it is something we all need to do. Why is it so hard for us to take care of ourselves? We take care of everyone else and can’t give ourselves the same treatment…how sad. I have been trying hard to be more self-loving and have to admit it is hard, but very worth working on. Thanks for all the great ideas in this post!
“I have a torrid love affair with naps.” Ha!
Loved this post! Also, definitely needed it because I never thought about the difference of taking care of yourself when you’re feeling down vs. proactively taking care of yourself so you don’t get to those down places as much!
This post actually made me cry in one of those “oh my god, she gets my life” moments. Lately, life has really taken a strong hold on me and my feelings. I am looking forward to doing this. Thank you, Kyla!
YES!! I have been feeling so off this past two weeks and have only begun to crawl out of my funk in the past day or two. This post hit the nail on the head for me today. I subconsciously have a self care list, but I’m off to make that list concrete today. (Plus, my A-type personality is super excited to make a list btw!!)
Thanks Kyla! You always know how to put this stuff into words that inspire.
Lisa.
You are right. This is an important list.
I honestly resonated with everything you wrote. As fairly new web developer I feel this constant pressure to work and outside of work learning more work related things. I have developed some unhealthy habits, heck I can’t fall asleep before 12/1 am ish. :S
I really love hearing you story. I feel comfort in knowing that someone in the same industry can make self care a priority.
Thanks again :)
Oh wow. As someone also on over 200 mg Effexor, I had no idea I needed to watch out for decongestants. Thanks for the reminder to work on self-care, it’s often the first thing I let slip when things get rough.
I so love your transparency and authenticity — especially love #4 on your self-care list :D We all have that inner adolescent that shows up in one way or another!
As trivial as this sounds, one of my default behaviors that’s really irritating to me is how much I bite and pick at my nails/fingers. It sounds small (and that’s probably why I haven’t gotten serious about doing something about it) but it’s pretty amazing how much preoccupation, guilt, anxiety, and shame I have about it. Maybe saying that in black-and-white presents more of an opportunity for me to invest in changing… :)
When I lived in Charlotte, I definitely found that self care was very important. My favorite form of self care was getting a massage. I didn’t have much human contact down there, so it helped to have someone touch me in a kind way that was soothing and restorative at the same time. These days self care is about reading, sitting on my patio, hugs/cuddling with Phil, and taking the time to make a delicious meal!
I’m glad you figured out the trigger for why you were feeling off!!
This past year of my 20s has been all about reevaluating goals, changing my habits and trying my hardest to be more comfortable in my skin as well as in my life in general. It’s been a ton of work but soooooo worth it! I feel so ready to really start “growing up” and taking charge of my life. I love your tips, especially making a habit to revise and review your list! We’re always changing so this only makes sense.
This is great! I’ve been doing this exact thing for the past 8 months and I’ve sort of been journalling as I go, but I never thought of doing it in the way you suggest. I have a nice little notebook I’ve been trying to come up with a use for and now I have it! Thank you Kyla!!
A much-needed post today! I especially related to the difference between “comfort” behaviors and actual self-care. So important to make that distinction and to follow through. xoxo.
Great post! :)
It seems to me that this should be a mandatory part of the “growing up” process, thinking about what you like about your life and what you don’t. Too often you get stuck in unhealthy routines, and getting out is harder than getting in! Frankly, the older I get the more I feel that there should be life coach-type counselors that people are required to see, just as you have to see a primary care physician for a physical every few years. Stress and ill health are expensive, but preventative care is not.
You know, sometimes I feel like you just get me.
Taking the time to figure out the things I need to do to get through my day-to-day was one of the smartest things I’ve ever done. It can be tough to force myself to do those things sometimes, but even tasks as small as making my bed in the morning or flossing every day can have a huge impact!