December 3rd, 2008
Spousal Reaction
“This is…..Kyla.”
“This is my girlfriend, Kyla.”
“This is my girlfriend, Kyla. Yea, we live together.”
“This is my fiance, Kyla.”
“This is Kyla, my wife.”
Going from Step Three of the public relationship commitment scale all the way to Step Five in just over six months has made this year a funny one. I’m always at least a little interested in the way that I’m perceived, but the way that my relationships are perceived blows me out of the water.
I’ve been a girlfriend for a long time, in different varieties and to different people. I’ve been the high school sweet heart, the girlfriend his parents loathed, the reluctantly professional DD girlfriend, the fake girlfriend when my friend’s ex is around, and the last girlfriend he dated before he started dating men. All of these different girlfriend varieties have suited me fine at different times (except being loathed by parents), and I always thought that that was pretty much where my relationships might end up tapping out.
Being a girlfriend, for me, was mostly fun. Lots of affection. Lots of privacy. Lots of ability to walk away. I liked the company, and being a little sought after. If the guy was nice, it was great – and otherwise, as I have never had any interest in becoming a serial monogamist, I would rather just be by myself.
And then Mister and I started dating, and it was just different. And better.
When we moved in together, I saw that new people had a different reaction to me when they found out we were co-habitating than most had had when we were “just” dating. An “OH!” followed by some laughter would be the first reaction, followed by a “So, it’s serious then huh?”. They said it like we hadn’t been before. There was something about that cursory analysis of our relationship that really hurt me. It was like to some people I hadn’t really existed in his life until that point. All that was different was that we bought groceries together – it doesn’t take a lot to sign a lease. But the public perception of nesting was intense. My facebook was overflowing, and I was a little bewildered.
The three years that Mister and I lived together before we got engaged were wonderful, but they were also an expectation minefield . The usual badgering of “When are you going to get married?!” started in after we renewed our lease for the first time, and by the time we were on our second apartment it was at a fever pitch with some parties in my life. My close friends were great – if mostly disinterested in my relationship, they were respectful and sweet. Family was supportive and excited for me, but the co-workers, people I haven’t seen in five years, and family friends? They just couldn’t help themselves.
They needed to know when we intended to get married, and as a non traditional girl, it almost drove me crazy. When we got engaged, it was just over the top. “Everyone loves a bride!” I was repeatedly told as my small town acquaintances threatened to shake details about table cloths out of me by force – “This is the one chance you get to have to be the centre of attention for a whole day!”. I don’t think it ever really occurred to them that I might already have the attention of the people I wanted in my life.
The fuss of the wedding is now two months behind me, and while it was an amazing day – small, great food, lots of laughing – I’m glad that I’m done with being a bride. It was fun – but I’m not cut out for it. I was in this for our relationship – to formalize it a little and continue as we have been.
The reaction I get now that I’m introduced as Mister’s wife is a sweet one, overflowing with a much more quiet excitement than before, but one that is teeming with happiness for the newly wed version of us. And it comes with its own set of expectations I’m sure, but for now it’s more subdued.
It’s either that, or my favourite, “Wow, you’re married now! And you’re only like, what, 23? What are you going to do now that all the excitement is kind of….over?”. There are some questions that just don’t want an honest response.
I was repeatedly told as my small town acquaintances threatened to shake details about table cloths out of me by force – “This is the one chance you get to have to be the centre of attention for a whole day!”. I don’t think it ever really occurred to them that I might already have the attention of the people I wanted in my life.
You summed up that feeling perfectly. I’m not engaged and I never have been, but I think the traditional idea of weddings in our culture (the bigger the better, devoting a full year of one’s life and half your annual salary to planning, expecting guests to fork over buckets of time and energy and cash) is totally effed and borderline offensive. I would never want to be part of that. Like you said, it’s about your life together, not a DAY together.
I could go on for pages and pages about this. Like– why do couples get tons of expensive house things when they get married? I didn’t get that when I moved out of my parents’ house. What if I never get married? I just never get a free Kitchen Aid mixer? It’s this whole culture of valuing married couples over singles and unmarried couples. It’s effed!
I lived with my ex for four years and we constantly were getting asked when we were going to get married. It always embarassed me because I wanted to marry him, he just didn’t want to marry me. I later found out, I didn’t really want to marry him at all.
that whole “it’s your day to be the center of attention” thing doesn’t excite me either. it makes me want to veer away. don’t get me wrong, i love being the center of attention, but only to one person at a time. i’m not good with crowds. i’m curious to see how this whole thing goes… glad to hear you got through it unscathed : )
I can’t imagine anyone disliking you!!! Whoever he was, his parents are ridiculous!
When I was planning my wedding I got so annoyed at people saying, “It’s the happiest day of your life!” Even my Mum snapped at one florist we were visiting and said, “she doesn’t want it to be the happiest day of her life – she just wants it to be one of many!” My Mum is awesome and was obviously listening to me because I kept repeating that phrase. My wedding was wonderful and fun and a very special day that has been preceded by many – some of which would be considered mundane by other people.
This was a great post Kyla.
How much do I adore this entry in the most insightful, honest and reflective sense. of course I was affectionate towards it in other senses as well. One day when I become a bride we will sit down and talk. In the meantime I am still quite miffed that I was not asked to be a flower girl at your wedding.
Oh and as for your co-workers, it might have been because they don’t know you very well and want to be friendly and make conversation but don’t know what to say. Although I agree its’ totally annoying and makes one want to rip one’s hair out.
But when I meet a pregnant woman usually I ask her if she knows the sex and if she has any names in mind even though I personally object to asking gender questions about babies (why do we care what the sex is?).
Marriage is very uncommon in this country, couples seem to just live together forever, with the exception of people who are religious. So the reaction to me being married (especially at my age) usually seems to be not pity exactly but just kind of ‘why would you want to do that?’, although it’s never said explicitly. Although sometimes I wonder if part of that is my own self projection, I never wanted to get married at all, or if I did, not until I was in my 30s so it’s strange that I feel a little bit embarrassed by it, like I’m a pregnant highschool student in the mid west or something. Lame huh? I was looking at our marriage certificate the other day and it just felt so unreal to me…
Just wait till they start asking when you’re going have babies…
Isnt it crazy how people just assume they have the right to know every detail about you and your life, especially the ones you dont talk to on a regular basis?
so now i assume the “when are you going to have kids????” is about to start…? :-P
When my dad and stepmom were engaged, my dad still asked if I could introduce her as his girlfriend. Then when she was his girlfriend (earlier) he wanted me to introduce her as his “friend.” Men. Crazy.
i really liked your intro! i never really though about the intros one makes about a significant other before : )
I’m sorry but that’s just mean. People really ask you “what are going to do now all the excitement is over?” Do they think it all ends once you put a ring on your finger? I hope you give them cold stares.
By the way, I loved this post!
Now, I’d like to know what you did to be loathed. I don’t think that really fits your personality!!
I guess I don’t ever really experience that? Weird. I’ve got the girlfriend and the live-in girlfriend part down.
This is a great post!! I’ve not been the fiance or the wife, but I agree–being a girlfriend comes in lots of different phases and stages. Cool thought…
I couldn’t have said this better myself. This post is one of my favorites!
I was not cut out for being a bride at ALL.
Flowers, music, church, blah blah blah. Colors? Why do we need colors!?
Oy.
Being a wife is normal to me. At the same time, I’m like, “Wha-ha? I’m a WIFE?! How odd.”
:)
I can’t imagine any parents not adoring you, that’s just crazy talk!
Boyfriend and I are moving in together next month and the “so when are you going to get married” have already started. I always answer when we are ready, but that doesn’t always appease them.
First of all, I can’t really get over the fact that there are people out there that don’t like you.
Lies!
Also? the next set of questioning will probably be baby related. Although I suspect you have a little while for that.
I feel a post exactly like this is inevitable in 8-10 months. Everyone kind of expected us to move in together after we graduated, and those closest to us knew there was an engagement coming… but it’s always the nosy hometown women and gossipy bitches that are shoving my white wedding down my throat. Ah well, in this culture, I guess that’s expected.
I agree with the others who have said that age doesn’t matter. You’re a smart woman, have a good head on your shoulders and you and the Mister certainly didn’t rush into anything. You dated a good long time before you tied the knot, confident that each other were The One.
You’re not actually all that out-of-the-ordinary getting married at this age. You’re practically an old maid in comparison to many of our parents, who had at least a kid or two at this time in their lives! If you know, you know.
There’s no need to rush into anything (which you didn’t), but why not get married if you know you’ve found your person?
Are you getting the questions about having little ones yet? My sister Kate is your age and has been married just over a year and HATES those questions!
I get this too…so now that you are married, are you bored? WHAT? no…why would I marry someone that bores me? My husband excites me, always. Thats just how it is, people think I make it up, and sure, matt and I have our quarrels and days when we’d rather not spend every minute next to each other, but at the end of the day, he still excites me.
ugh, people and their dumb questions!
It’s so bittersweet, isn’t it? It’s a joyous occasion (at least it was for me) to be introduced as Jonathan’s wife for the first time… but the reaction afterward was, “Oh wow… you’re still a baby!” If it’s not one thing it’s another. & it’s maddening, too, because who are these people to judge? I get that a lot; people openly commenting on my decision to marry at such a young age. Poo on them!
& anyway, it sounds like you were a fabulous girlfriend! I feel that I’m better off as a wife. I never liked being a girlfriend, simply because I always felt that I was meant for something more than that…
I was reading a post on Jezebel about how the word “fiance” irks some people, so they asked for suggestions for something better. The winner? “Husband-elect.” Now I’m really trying hard to get someone to propose to me so we can be husband and wife elect.
I feel exactly this way- I’m getting married next month and while I’m looking forward to the wedding, I’m more excited to just move on.
meep! i’m not sure why, but reading this post makes me cringe. perhaps it’s because i may be on the brink of status #3 shortly, and that kinda scares the pants off of me…status 4&5 aren’t even visible yet. i guess i’m a lot like you in the fact that i don’t really see myself as the “bride” type or want to be bothered by other people and their typically traditional and sometimes irritating assumptions about a relationship they don’t really know that much about. sometimes people don’t really realize that some things just aren’t any of their business.
We followed almost exactly the same timeline! I would get so annoyed when I would try on dresses–the shopkeepers were commenting on how young I was. That was irritating, but I was able to easily shrug it off. I kept my last name, so there is confusion when I meet people about whether or not I got married. Interestingly enough, the biggest confusion happened at the vet’s office. You’re doing great! I love settling into married life, but I do have a lot of fun thinking of what I was doing for planning one year ago.
I can totally relate to this. TDH and I have been dating for almost six months. We’ve talked about moving in, the next steps and etc. And if I mention this to a friend they always say what you heard “so it’s serious now, huh?”. Can’t something be serious before the cohabitating and etc?
And what idiots to make a comment about your age at which you are married. Age doesn’t matter, maturity does. And so far as I’m concerned, you are much more mature than many of my friends who are married!
I’m sure you do, but continue to stand tall and proud, with a smile on your face. You and Mister have a special secret (that you love each other and it will work) and everyone else can just be quiet and be happy for you!!!
Or simply, there are questions that answering doesn’t make sense at all.
I can’t imagine you ever being loathed!
Loved the post; my Jesse moved in quite rapidly and we were engaged a year after meeting – it’s different when you know!
People who think that the excitement is over are obviously not married. I think the excitement finally began after we were married.
And now you get to field all of the “when are you going to have kids?” questions. Because everyone always expects more, and they don’t really care what your plans are, they just want to know how you fit into their scheme of things. Good luck with that. ;)
I still can’t get over the fact that I am married. Being married to my husband feels like I’ve always been married to him.
It wasn’t until yesterday, when I was called Mrs. for the first time did it really start to sink in.
We’ve been married for over a year and no one has called me Mrs. yet.
Weird.