November 3rd, 2008
Real, even if that means simple.
Halloween ended up being a lot of fun – Mister took the day off work so that when I got home the house was thoroughly decorated and I couldn’t intervene at any point! I got out of the car when we got home and almost fell over laughing. It was amazing – hands coming out of graves, elaborate gravestones, and a motorized ghost pacing back and forth between our porch and the nearest tree. The whole thing. It was priceless.
Princess Peach stencil from Zombie Pumpkins
My finished Peach
Mister’s Bowser
A flurry of carving ensued, along with a flurry of drinking red wine, watching of Evil Dead 2 and handing out to trick or treaters. In all we had maybe 40 kids. Apparently the elementary school kids at the THREE elementary schools by us are too cool for free candy. One of my friends who teaches gymnastics was laughed at by the 11 year olds he teaches when he asked if they were going out for Halloween – they were going to a house party.
I bet they are. That was called a SLEEPOVER in my time. Don’t pretend y’all don’t have matching backpacks.
In spite of the low trick or treater turn out the night was wonderful. I so rarely let myself just be and just enjoy – I’m always mentally pacing around, attempting to force myself forward towards something else that when I embrace the opportunity to just calm down it’s a huge relief.
Over the past month since the wedding questions from family and friends, and from me, have slowly turned from “how are you doing?” to “are you going to grad school?” – a question that’s extremely hared for me to reckon with. Can we handle the loss of income? Would it be worthwhile? And the question that I always manage to leave out of the equation is somehow: do I want that for myself?
For me, formal education is closely tied to self worth, as soon as I got my BA the questions started – where was I going to grad school? From job to job, it was the same – first asking how the position was and what I was learning, but it was always followed by questions about when was I going to get on with the next stage of my life. And no matter how well intended the implication is always that it’s something that I’m going to do. It’s just how my family is, and part of how I am. I was always told I was smart – and that I should go do something huge and earth shattering with that immediately. Probably as of 10 minutes ago. A quiet happy life isn’t worthwhile – you have to be out there in front of the pack making things happen.
But that way of living has never quite resonated with me. And to make things more complicated – I like my life right now. I love where we live, and I like my job – it’s not great but it’s good, especially for where I am in life. We make a living. We budget. We have a lot of fun, actually. I look forward to coming home every day. But at the same time I struggle with appreciating everything I’ve worked for because every inch of my brain keeps shouting “BUT WHERE DOES BEING HAPPY TAKE YOU? GET INTO SCHOOL AGAIN, FAST.”.
So my weekends are frustration and tears, trying to figure out what’s best for me, for us, and for who I’ll be 7 years from now. By the time Monday comes I’m more exhausted than I was on Friday, except now I’m also dreading work. In spite of all the happiness I trap myself in what if’s and when’s, and make myself miserable. Never mind how concerned the poor young gentleman I live with must be.
This is what I know:
I don’t know when this job will stop being right for me. I don’t know where my current situation will lead. For right now, I want to enjoy what I have instead of torturing myself about when things are going to change and how I can start bracing myself for it now.
I know that there are lots of different ways to gain experience and knowledge, and that I don’t want to lock into a 3+ year program at this moment in time. I want to explore all the opportunities I have right now, and I want to have fun. I want to enjoy what I’ve worked at for the past year and see what happens.
If that means a simple life without earth shattering bursts of academic glory, then I’m up for that. I have other dreams that are just as valid – I want to own my own business and work my fingers to the bone – and honestly, in the mean time I’m okay with simple. It’s going to be a battle for me to relax into it, but I have a long winter ahead of me to work on it, and me.
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This weekend I switched over to self hosting (yay!) in a totally uneventful (double yay!!) transition. Over the next few weeks I’m working with the lovely So Chic Design to give me a proper home online and in the mean time I’ve got some pretty cute digs – and a links page that more accurately reflects who I’m reading. Enjoy!
Hi darling, I know exactly what you mean. For the past year, my immediate and extended family constantly asked me when I was going to go to grad school. Almost every time I saw them the same question would come up, followed up with “what are you waiting for?!”. It was awful. I spent a lot of time upset, frustrated, and feeling like a failure.
You will go if you want to, and if it’s right. I wasn’t sure if I would go, but now I just started a dual degree master’s program at Loyola’s Graduate School of Business. Don’t let other people’s constant nagging decide for YOU what YOU need to do.
You’ll make the right choice either way, and you’ll make it for yourself!
P.S. Loved the Halloween pumpkins and stories!
I adore your pumpkins, they are amazing!!
I think you deserve to sit back and relax for a bit. School will always be there if or when you want to go back. Everyone is always in such a rush rush rush to finish school… I say take your time, enjoy it. Is it possible to do both, work and grad school? Part time grad school, online classes? It might be different up there in canada land, I’m not sure how the whole school stuff works up there=)
Your blog is adorable! And I love your decal on the pumpkin for carving. Great idea.
Awesome pumpkins!
omg! your blog looks different!
…AND AWESOME! Wooooooo to new design :) I love it!
forgot to add…”house party” are you kidding me? If there are sleeping bags involved, I beg to differ……
love the new design. please be easy on yourself about the future, I’m sure everything will work out for the best.
You know I’ve been trying to get back to school forever but the reality is that it costs way too much and doesn’t necessarily guarantee a better job in the end anyway. The reason I wanted to go back so desperately wasn’t to get a piece of paper that says “look, I’m smart, I really am!” but because I honestly loved learning. And right now I want to go back to get the proper skills I can’t really learn at home on my own. I felt super intimidated the other day when I went to a dinner with all David’s friends. They’re all finishing their masters and in proper professional jobs like occupational therapy and education and law and accounting. And I felt very intimidated indeed!! But I think there’s nothing wrong with making your own way without going to grad school or even finishing with masters or honours or anything. Plenty of people are successful and perfectly happy without it and I think honestly what you have right now is fantastic. You have an amazing home life and owning your own business, well you’re well on your way already and plenty of people do that too without ever going to business school or anything. I’m not 100% convinced that school is really worth a couple years of financial hell and ridiculous amounts of stress when you can have a happy healthy work and home life without it…
I’m loving everyone using So Chic Design. Teresa is awesome. I’m planning on having my regular blog done soon. I’m so over my current design and it’s definitely time for change!
My priorities have shifted so much in the past year and I don’t think I’ve been able to mentally catch up with them and re-do my life as needed. My days off end in tears as well.
site looks great! I totally get where you are coming from..people always ask me ‘whats next?’,I always feel frustrated by that. I like my life, I love my husband, and I enjoy where we are right now, I dont want to rush to the next ‘step’. I never likes playing by the rules and following the steps in order anyway. Do YOUR thing lady! You know what is best for you and your husband, you know what works, if you are happy where you are, good. Stay there until you are ready to move on..and if you are never ready, you can still say you are happy. A lot of people cant say that.
Very much liking your new design! And oh! I made it on the blogroll! ;)
I’ve been thinking about this topic a lot lately. There’s always the pressure to do more More MORE, but what if you can experience more by doing less?
There was a time in my life when everyone around me had MBA’s or were planning their applications to return to school. It was a time when there was a social stigma at work if you didn’t have that degree. Yet, my own brain kept shouting at me, “It’s not for you! Don’t do it!”
And so, I didn’t. I have continued to work in the same industry, just on a different path. I am happy at work. I am happy at home. I am happy with the balance I have in life.
There will always be people in your life wondering what’s next. Sometimes it’s just a conversation starter. Sometimes it’s more deep seeded. The point is, if you are in a place where you enjoy work, you have a life and you are happy, no one should take that away from you.
Your line about just “being,”… well, I can totally relate. I too, spend too much time forward thinking. When I’m at work I think about what I need to be doing at home, when I’m with TDH I think about the next date/project/event we have to attend. When I’m studying I think about work. It’s never ending and it’s hard for me to force myself to slow down.
And as for grad school? Well I’m working and doing the school thing. And in a serious relationship. And trying to have a life. I won’t lie. It’s hard. Is school worth it? I haven’t decided yet.
I completely agree with you. I was always supposed to do BIG things too. But I’m happier with the simple. Enjoy it! It may not always be this good.
GREEEAT pumpkins. I’m impressed!
Awesome pumpkins, Kyla!
Aww, I’m sorry you’re under such pressure. I lucked out and inherited a healthy lack of ambition from my parents :P
I love the new design! And your pumpkins are SO COOL!
Oh, I am with you.
I was such an achiever in school, that when I got out – people expected to me achieve and do world changing things.
Instead, I’ve got a job I like, but have no real direction or drive career-wise. I just want to live and enjoy life with my husband. I love to cook and create, and work makes that possible. :)
I never expected myself to be mediocre, but I’m totally okay with that.
When I got married all of my priorities changed, almost instantly. Everything sort of clicked into place for me, and I knew not only where I wanted to be and what I should be doing, but that I had help and support to get there.
I wish that everyone could have the same experience, and in a way it sounds like you are. Don’t panic, Kyla. Just go with it. Happiness has a way of making everything else work out. That’s where it gets you. It gets you through.
So Chic Design is rocking my world these days. Can’t wait to see what she comes up with for you!