Proud

Most of the time I don’t realize how much my life has changed since I found out I have a generalized anxiety disorder. I’ve only blogged about it a few times, and I don’t talk about it a lot, but since I started taking medication and taking better care of myself a lot has changed. It took a long time- first three months, then six months and now over a year, but the difference has been amazing. I don’t have as many random bad days as I did before, I don’t worry or dwell as much, I have energy that lasts me through the whole day, I don’t hold my breath all the time and my whole body is relaxed instead of bracing for something to happen. I’m able to be more present and giving in all of my relationships. I’m more consistently outgoing and positive. I’m more consistently myself.

I’ve been loving being a red head this year, and after wishing it was brighter last week I dyed my hair bright red. Neon, comic book, anime red- and now when I go out people turn to look at the colour. A year ago I would have dyed it back immediately, and I wouldn’t have been able to move past worrying about what everyone else – anyone else – was thinking. A year ago I was too worried to blog about when I put a tiny blue streak in my hair because I didn’t know how other’s reactions would affect me.

This year I feel like I just keep becoming more myself and being comfortable in my own skin is the most amazing feeling. I’m not impenetrable by any means, but I trust myself and can stand stronger with my heart less troubled than it was before. I’m so proud that I’m unfolding into this fuller version of myself, and that I can wear my heart on my sleeve with more ease.

Even if, for a while, that heart happens to be neon, comic book, anime red.