I know a few of them. They’re women, 26 or 28. Not much older than I am.

They work Real Jobs with small companies. Intense workloads, blackberries. They leave home in the dark and come back in the dark. They’re vibrant, they seem to glow from the hum of stress and adrenaline that’s passing through them – like they’re channeling it. Professionally, they have no one to fall back on – they work with the owners and executives and live in a world of high expectations. They practice their yoga breathing. They shake it out before going into a meeting. They steady them selves. They deliver.

I’ve always wondered if I would be one of them.

I imagined there was some invisible line between me and them. Maybe I’m too selfish – too focused on myself and other people in my life who need my attention. Too altruistic to get behind someone else’s cause. Maybe I’m too soft for that life. Maybe I’m under qualified and getting qualified means neglecting everything else I have. Maybe it means upgrading to an honours degree and then to a masters – four years more to struggle through towards a maybe.

I have been wondering a lot about where the invisible line is between those other girls – the real professional ones – and me. They seem real enough, and some of them seem happy too. This week I had a conversation that could stand to change a lot and that could force me into that other world. One that would really change everything, but in a way where I would be learning, not drowning. But big. Managing things for a company on a national level big. Super charged marketing. A whole other world.

I’ve been struggling to even conceive of this kind of change, feeling guilty and strange for my co-workers. See-Sawing. It seems too huge, too fast. I’ve been off the internet, sleeping more than normal, eating more than normal, focusing in more than normal… and I don’t know if it’s right. I don’t know how it would change things. I don’t know if I’m too soft for it. I’ve poured it over a million ways, but in the end I’m going to have another conversation and then wait for a sign.

Tomorrow I’m meeting someone new, the daughter of our first friends who have had a child. I’m so excited to meet her, I know it’s going to be life changing to meet this new little person. Life changing, just like so many other things coming around the corner.

I’m trying to acknowledge the nerves, the shaky fear they put into me, and let them pass right through me. I’m trying to stop jittering, breathe deeply, and glow from the stress and adrenaline of it – like I’m channeling it. I’m trying to focus in and reverberate with potential, instead of letting it shake me.

And I’ve protected my tweets in the mean time because Monday & Tuesday? They’re going to be Very Big Days.