August 19th, 2014
Notes To My Younger Self
Today I’m posting as part of a blog crawl to help spread the word about The Post College Survival Kit. A huge group of amazing bloggers are sharing what we learned the hard way – so you don’t have to! You don’t have to wait till your thirties for a better job, a cuter apartment, financial stability, better relationships + friendships.
Becoming yourself is not for the faint of heart, but it’s well worth the effort. If I could pass some advice back in time to my younger self, this is what I’d want her to know:
• • •
Your intuition is a muscle: start to use it!
Tuning into my intuition in the past few years has had a huge positive impact on my life! It’s helped me fine tune the direction of my career, recognize mis-matches between clients and myself, and to take the reins on a big business development that will be launching this winter.
But for years, when my inner voice spoke to me I couldn’t tell if my worries, ego, or intuition was speaking up. I always wished that it was easier to tell the difference between those competing parts of myself, but I’ve only found out how when I took the time to learn.
What’s helped is taking dedicated time to just be still and become aware of what kid of thoughts my mind starts running toward. I’ll identify the kinds of thoughts that I’m having by name – like “Worrying”, “Planning”, or that old classic “Judgement”, and then try to let the thought pass without getting swept up in it. It’s a form of meditation that’s a great way to take the temperature on how you’re doing on a given day. The effort has helped me recognize when I’m caught up in the moment, or when what I’m feeling comes from a deep, core priority that I need to pay attention to.
What other people think of you is none of your business
In my early twenties I was incredibly curious about what other people thought of me. And I was more invested in what they thought that I would admit to myself. When you are in the middle of defining yourself, or when you’re unsure about the direction your path will take, it’s comforting to get positive feedback because it makes you feel like you’re on the right track. The thing is, there is no right track in life other than being yourself and doing what makes you happy!
We all have incomplete understandings of who the people around us are, so we fill in the gaps for ourselves. If someone accidentally puts you in the wrong “box” in their mind, and then gets upset when you’re being who you are? That’s about them, not you. Laugh about it and keep on shining.
The sense of certainty you get from someone else giving you a pat on the back doesn’t hold a candle to the feeling of knowing who you are and accepting yourself – imperfections and all.
Check in and see if your normal is normal
One of the biggest surprises of my early twenties was finding out that I’d been living with clinical Depression and Generalized Anxiety Disorder for years, and that life could feel totally different than it did. I’d always been a worrier, it didn’t take much to exhaust me, and I’d always had bouts of deep sadness, but I thought that everyone experienced those things.
Use your curiosity to consider your experience as a person in this world, and don’t assume that your normal is what everyone else is living through too. Speak to your friends, speak to your family, and speak to your doctor about anything that comes between you and living a happy, full life.
You could gain years you would have otherwise spent trying to figure out what’s wrong – and your whole life could be the other side of that discovery.
Consider the cost of risks you don’t take
When I quit my day job in late 2009 I’d done some groundwork to help me feel confident that I could make it on my own – for a few months at least. It was scary to take that leap – but it was made easier by the fact that I had a clear picture of what I was risking if I didn’t try to become self employed. On some level, I had felt out of place and uneasy in every job I’d ever had – and if I didn’t try to make something for myself, I could picture what it would feel like to live with that every day of my life. And I didn’t want to find out how accurate my imagination was!
Taking risks is scary, but everything feels higher stakes when we only look at the downside of taking an action. It’s more realistic (and encouraging!) to take into account what we could lose by taking no action. What would that feel like in 3, 5, 7 or 10 years? What about in 30 years?
You’re exceptional from the time you wake up in the morning until when you tuck into bed at night- make sure you’re nurturing both your curiosity and potential. Those are parts of who you are that are brimming with possibility, if you feed them.
• • •
These are just a few things that I’d want my younger self to remember – it’s so hard to narrow it down! I’d also want to tell her who to break up with, which friends to pour time into and that instead of blogging every day for three years she should save some of those posts for her future self! ;)
New over here!
Love the Notes to my younger self posts that are roaming around blogotopia these days! Your “is my normal the normal” really spoke to me. I felt like this for a long time when my then new GP found out my thyroid is off which can cause severe depression and anxiety – huge change ever since!
What did you do to get better?
Thanks for sharing your experiences, Martie. I have a number of friends who’ve had thyroid issues, they’re serious business and can wreak havoc on your life. I’m glad you got yours figured out! My depression and Generalized Anxiety Disorder is severe but it responded incredibly well to treatment, for which I’m forever grateful! I take medication daily which took me from being barely functional at my worst to now being asymptomatic on most days. I started that journey in late 2010, and made other health & lifestyle changes at the same time, and within a year my life had completely changed. Here’s to getting well! :)
love this entire post. everything you said is so true! life really is about trusting yourself, thanks for sharing!
“What other people think of you is none of your business” is the best advice I’ve heard in a long time.
I love this. I’ve been seeing similar posts like this pop up lately and have started a draft myself. Post forthcoming!
Great post. I definitely wish I could reach back to my younger self, especially pre-college Lisa, and tell her a few things. I’d tell her that it’s OK to hate high school and that I’d meet amazing friends who liked me for who I was. I’d tell myself that I can define my own version of fun and it can look very different from what others my age view as fun.
The intuition one is the thing I have had the most problems with. But you mentioned what I was most worried about. Sometimes the inner feelings are spot on and sometimes they are so, so wrong I want to cry when I listen to them. And they both feel like gut feelings. Maybe it’s time for some meditation like the kind you described. I also wonder if it’s time to get serious about finding a good therapist. I don’t feel like my normal is very normal. And it’s frustrating to me that I can’t fix it.
I’m sorry you’re having a hard time Corey, I wish I could give you a big hug & a glass of wine to talk it through. One of the thing Ive found for myself is that if I’ve kept myself busy for a long time, or haven’t touched base with myself for a long time that my mind starts racing, and I can get really upset and “in my head”. When I make sure to journal and meditate a few times a week, I feel much more even keeled.
Maybe you could audition a few different ways of taking care of yourself through the week like that, and see what feels best to you. I have those things in a list on my phone so when I’m having a bad day I can look at a list of tried and true things that have helped me before.
Remember that just because you’re having a thought doesn’t mean that it’s true- especially if it feels painful. If you have some time, I’d strongly recommend watching this TED talk about self esteem vs. self compassion:
And the speaker, Kristen Neff has some great guided meditations that you can listen to that could be a great place to start for you: http://www.self-compassion.org/guided-self-compassion-meditations-mp3.html
If you’re looking for help, definitely find a therapist (or even a life coach online, if that feels less intimidating). You’re brave for thinking about this, and considering what you need to feel great, even if it doesn’t feel like you’re making process right now xo
Great post Kyla! I can definitely relate to the challenges of trusting my intuition, and trying to keep in mind that there is no right track in life. It seems to be one of those things that I can understand mentally, but not fully convince my whole self to believe! Do you feel like there’s anything specific that has helped you keep these ideas in mind in your everyday life?
Thanks for the kind words, Brigette. It can be hard to remember that there’s not just one right path in life, especially when things aren’t going “right” or even smoothly.
A few things that have helped me are:
– Printing out quotes that help remind me of these kinds of ideas and popping them places I’ll see them every day.
– I also do my own deep dives into books that I’m curious about, so I might pick a book on mindfulness, read a chapter or a few pages, and then journal a response about how I’ve seen that in my life, or how I might disagree with the author and think about any ideas that it brings up.
– You could also decide that a specific piece of jewellery is going to be a reminder that no matter what’s going on, life is exactly as it’s supposed to be. Then any time you notice the piece throughout the day, you can repeat that to yourself as a way to return to that idea.
I’m a very visual person, and I like writing, so these ideas revolve around my learning style – if you think about how you learn things most naturally I’d encourage you to brainstorm some ways that will work well for you. I bet you’ll be surprised by what you come up with! :)
Oh wow! This is exactly the conversation I was having with you last winter, when I realized the first year out of school is about a whole hell of a lot more than the new job. Your first two points really hit home with me, that’s what I have struggled with the most especially the last six months. I knew I wasn’t entirely happy, but wasn’t sure which voice to listen to and definitely caught up in the perception of what others were thinking. I think with the change I made last week I am finally on the right path to the future I want.
So glad to hear that you’re over that hurdle, Amy! Congratulations with your new role at work – I hope that you’re settling in and savoring your new role :)