July 20th, 2010
a little more love
Every now and then when I least expect it, it’ll show up. That little negative voice in the back of my mind that’s full of criticism. It used to be a really big part of my life when I was younger, I was convinced that everything I did spelled out one word: awkward. And I was so uncomfortable in my own skin that I’m sure I wasn’t that far off.
Lately I’ve been noticing that little voice coming back. If I get a haircut and it doesn’t turn out right I can’t shake the idea that “I don’t look feminine enough anymore”, or I’ll put my goals and dreams on the back burner in favour of catching up with everyone I can because I hear that little voice telling me that “good friends never say no”.
I’ve always tried to choose which kinds of thoughts I pay attention to. In my experience if you feed the good ones and ignore the bad ones, you can be in for a quality of life shift but lately my ability to ignore the bad ones and focus on the good has been slipping.
So I’m making a change.
This week I’m starting a big effort to be extra positive and stop buying into what that little voice has to say. If I’m awkward at times, I want to love that part of me as much as I love the witty and cute parts. If things are hard, why do I think it’s more valid to beat myself up than it is to be encouraging? I need to be my biggest cheerleader, because if I won’t get behind me, who will?
Sometimes I wonder what our lives would look like if we changed the stories we tell ourselves about who we are.
Are there any stories you tell yourself that aren’t helping you be who you want to be?
ps – The lovely Amy from Just a Titch interviewed me today about leaving the entertainment industry last year, being confident & how to start over, you can find it here!
I am the same way. I used to be so negative but have become a pretty positive person I believe. But sometimes I just slip back into old habits, and it is hard to shake off the negativity. But in general, I am pretty happy with how almost-second-nature being positive has become for me. Whenever something bad happens, I will try to find something good about it almost right away.
I love this mindset. At the same time, I just quit my job & am feeling quite frantic about the state of my life – & I’ve got to stay realistic, you know? It’s very difficult to strike a balance.
I have so many personal journal entries like this, and I’m close to thirty- and still struggling with it. After reading this I have a bit of a kick in my step and some butterflies in my stomach from the inspiration.
The one and most important thing that I have learned in my past five years as a wife of a soldier is staying positive – no matter where you are, no matter what happens, no matter where you are going.
I am a huge believer in positive thinking. To me it is the only way to be truly happy and to feel completely comfortable with oneself.
I hope that listening to your positive voice will help you just as much as it helped me. :)
I’ve had to do a lot of changing of my thoughts in the last couple of years. It’s hard. But good for you for realizing that thsoe are just things you tell yourself and aren’t actually the truth.
I hope everything is working out for you. Stick with it even though it’s tough.
I get really wrapped up in worrying about what other people think of me, so lately I’m trying to convince myself that it’s quite all right if not everyone thinks I’m awesome. I’m better off being me and saying what I really think than trying to please everyone.
This happens to me too. I can be rolling along, loving life, and that voice will suddenly sneak in there and try to ruin everything. When this starts happening more frequently, I try to journal every morning (which I learned from The Artist’s Way). I find that if I can dump all my craziness onto that cheap lined notebook paper first thing, the rest of the day goes pretty smoothly.
And, I absolutely love your hair. I wish I had the courage to cut mine that short.
Ahh Kyla, don’t ever doubt yourself–you are so completely fabulous. Look at all these wonderful people in your life and blog-land who completely adore you just as you are. :)
That being said, I totally do this too. haha! Every time I put myself in that place I don’t want to be, I try and remember the wise words from my favourite book of ALL TIME. The Greatest Salesman in the World (Og Mandino) is my book for when I stop loving me for who I am at any given moment. It just makes you stop for a minute and gain a better perspective. Love love love it.
I think this is exactly what I needed to read today. That little insecurity voice has been creeping up in my head and I need to get rid of it. Thanks!
You’re such a beautiful soul.
I’m learning to embrace the parts of me that are a spazzy, worrywart. I make no excuses (well, okay sometimes I do) for myself and it feels good. It’s not easy, and I know I don’t have it mastered, but I’m working towards it :)
Inspiring as usual, my dear!
That’s a great way to be more healthy by being more positive. We all need to make our little voice become louder because we deserve it!! :)
That little voice has gotten into my head more & more in the past few weeks. It’s been hard to silence it, but I’m making it a point to do so. I want to start listening to that positive voice that seems to be getting quieter and quieter as the days go by.
Thanks for this reminder.
You’re so beautiful in this picture! It really matches the words you wrote. It’s as though you came to this mental realization and it’s radiating from within.
I struggle constantly with the negative voice, feeling awkward and different. Pushing myself too hard. It’s something I’m perpetually working at… and against!
Oh, I know exactly what you mean. The things we think about ourselves make the biggest impact on who we become.
Love this! I love your short hair, your cute glasses and your positive attitude. I try to be that way all the time too – I’m happy being me and I like to let others know it. Yay for being happy!
I am having the same problem, you can say.
LONG story short (though it’ll be long on my blog tomorrow, when I have a chance to spill it all out)… I applied to grad school, was accepted, then got major crappy news about the company I work at no longer helping with tuition. Since then I’ve doubted my ability to handle grad school and with only a month before I start, I’m in freak-out mode.
…I need to discover the positive, for sure.
Ah, I hate that voice! I have been slowly managing to shut it down recently since I read an article somewhere asking whether we would ever talk to our friends the way we talk to ourselves. Can you imagine if your friend got a haircut and the FIRST THING you said to her was ‘Dude, way not feminine’. We’re so much harsher on ourselves than we ever would be with our friends, so I suppose one trick is to think about what you would say to your best friend if she was going through the same thing, and say that instead!
xx
Thank you for this post, Kyla; it’s something I needed to be reminded of. The little voice in my head is winning right now – I need to forget the negative and work on recognizing the positive.
I LOVE the glasses you are wearing. They remind me of the glasses my mom had when I was a kid :)
I hate that nagging voice too, and I’m hearing it all too often these days. It’s my experience that if you hear something often enough, you start to believe it – even if it’s just something you’re telling yourself. I wonder why it’s so easy to encourage others but so hard to encourage ourselves?
I get like that a lot! I let the little things bother me and stop enjoying the rest of life. It’s great that you recognize it and are determined to change it! I know when I’m aware of it and tell myself to make a difference and enjoy and be happy it really helps!
Good luck!
Also I wanted to let you know that I posted a piece of your interview on my blog with a link to it and to your blog here. The interview was great! :)
Soooo glad you’re going to put those thoughts in their place! I just need to do this for myself. I’ve been thinking about respect a lot recently and how to demand respect based on kindness & showing respect. It sounds complicated, but I’m trying & it’s kind of working. All except for with my mom, of course. The closest relationship to you is always the hardest to get right. But anywhoo…you tell those thoughts, girl! Tell ’em!
I have been working on the self-love recently. My negative thoughts are so insidious, so *there*, that I don’t even notice them. But now that I’ve started to pay attention, I can acknowledge them and let them fall away. And I can also request respect from myself, instead of fear-based judgment. The negativity isn’t all gone and probably never will be, but I’m slowly working it out.
Aww, I hope you find it easier being comfortable in your own skin. Years ago I read a book called ‘What happy women know’. I found it really helpful, it’s not overly new agey or anything and helps you understand about what’s really important in life, and stressing over something that truly doesn’t matter doesn’t help at all in the quest for happiness. It’s hard though to always be in that mindset. Good luck!
It’s one of those things that can slip out from under you without you even noticing! I’m almost always really happy in my own skin, but lately it hasn’t been so easy to even let go of negative things that happen in life day to day. Better to put it out there & work on it :)
Thanks for the kind words, as always :)
I love this post!!! I so need some help with quieting down that annoying little person inside of me that tries to be negative! I love that you’re doing something about it…especially by just accepting who you are – because I have to say I think you’re awesome :)!!
That’s so interesting you chose to write about this today! I have two “limiting beliefs” that I’m working at undoing, actually so much so that I just re-read “have” and was like… if I keep saying that, then of course I’ll keep having them! Instead… perhaps, I’ll choose to focus on the opposite of those things I think are limiting… yes, yes, I’ll do just that. You’re a beautiful spirit and woman, my friend :)
It’s definitely important to quiet that negative voice!! The best way to do that is to constantly and consistently focus on the positive, and having grattitude. Any time you are aware of your thoughts, make an effort to think of something that you are so thankful for. Best of luck in this challenge – you are right – it CAN cause a shift in your life!! xo
I love you (in a completely non-creepy/stalker way).
That’s all.
I’ve recently embraced this mantra for myself. My new motto is “its just as easy to be positive as it is to be negative.” When you strip an idea down to its simplest form its so much easier to grasp. Glad you’re slapping Mr. Negative in the face <3
Good for you- you don’t have to put lots of unnecessary expectations on yourself.
Ah. This is a big one for me lately, too. I seem to go through peaks & valleys: times where I feel extraordinarily confident and sure, and other times when I feed myself a constant stream of negative self talk. It’s hard to know how to turn it off. It’s hard to change thought patterns, to encourage instead of discourage. It’s funny when you think about it: being nice to others is something so natural, “Your hair looks pretty today” “I love your shirt” “Your eyes are STUNNING!” “Wow, what beautiful writing.” But being nice to ourselves? I bet if I was half as nice to myself as I can be to other people, a lot would change in my outlook. Thanks for this today…wonderful food for thought. <3
I love this post and yes, I’m with you! Listening to the little voice is good. I’ll be taking a page from you, my dear.
There is a challenge that I saw happening on another blog…about positive thinking. I think a little positive thinking would do us ALL good! :)
I’m challenging myself to making sure I do NO negative self talk this week!
No way! I’d love the link :)
I would love that link, too!
Being your own cheerleader can be so hard sometimes. Why is it that for most people the negative voice always has a little advantage over the positive voice? Why do we have to force ourselves so hard to listen more carefully to the positive voice?
I think you’re making a great adjustment. We should all encourage each other to believe that the positive voice has so much more to say to us!
I’ve been trying to be more positive too! Beating myself up is something I’ve always had issues with. In my pre-marriage counseling my husband said the one thing that bothered him about me was that I too hard on myself! I knew I had to do something at that point.
I actually just started reading “What to say when you talk to yourself” by Shad Helmstetter. It’s totally true that you are what you think- the more you think and speak positively about yourself the more positive a life you will lead.
Love this post, Kyla!
I will join you on this venture.. Tired of letting the little voice in my head weigh me down.. I am so much better than that voice.
Best,
Hannah Katy
I love this idea! I’ve had that same little voice, but thankfully it’s becoming quieter over the years. I think being consciously happy is a habit that we all should try to practice more often. :)
Ohhh, Kyla. I so know how you feel. All my life I have met face to face with my greatest critic: myself.
Thing is, you know that you own that voice inside of you. And you know that you are the only one who can silence or, at least, quiet it.
And you can do that. I have no doubt. As my mother likes to say, “Stay strong, brave, and true!” And the rest will follow.
xoxo
If your little voice is telling you you’re awkward, I have a little voice that makes an appearance every once in awhile telling me I’m fat or “look at how cute that girls body is, you’ll never look like that”.
I try to ignore it. Especially when my body does SO much for me. But it still crops up from time-to-time. I think feelings of self-consciousness, no matter how truly CONFIDENT you are, are a regular occurrence for most people. Especially women!
I have been hearing that little voice more than I care to as well. I try to silence it but thats not always easy. I’m working on it though. And for the record, I’ll happily be your cheerleader!
I know exactly what you mean… maybe its the hot summer weather that makes that evil little voice come out?
Its funny – I just got my hair cut really short (a little shorter than yours, I think!) and I like it, but sometimes I do think its not feminine enough, or I look like a boy, or what if people think I’m gay (which I have absolutely no problem with, but that perception COULD put-off prospective beaus!). But then I look in the mirror and I realize I look CUTE – and I don’t care what anyone else thinks! You’re right – you have to stand behind yourself, because who else will? :)
I have that little voice. All. the. Time.
I know what you mean. I often have those negative thoughts, when I’m usually an optimistic person. I’m looking to give myself some more “me time.” I give myself to others too often, and I don’t allow myself to indulge in privacy. It’s definitely refreshing to cleanse the mind of any negativities we have about ourselves!
So, so true! I often think – what if I was as kind to myself as I was to my friends and family? I am so wililing to cut others slack and see the beauty in them but I so rarely do this for myself. i am getting better, though, so that is good. When I was in elementary/middle/high school, you could say i pretty much loathed myself. Which is sad. I am really glad I’ve moved past that, but i still have a ways to go!
Thanks for the reminder to be more positive and more kind to myself!
I applaud you for your honesty. You should try reading The Art of Happiness by the Dalai Lama. Your post made me think about a quote by Anna Freud:
“I was always looking outside myself for strength and confidence, but it comes from within. It is there all the time.”
Happy to hear you’re making a change because you deserve to be happy with yourself always, with that beautiful body and soul of yours :)