November 10th, 2008
“I’m thinking a shaggy pixie cut”
I’d had medium length hair for years. From grade seven on, I was shoulder length and by the time that grade twelve was over I was officially done with my old identity. I decided to take a year off school to recharge my batteries and enroll the next year with a totally new group of people in the hopes of starting some new friendships.
But I didn’t want people to make friends with someone who looked like the Old Me. The Old Me had a boyfriend who had been publicly cheating on her for six months before she broke up with him. The Old Me was wildly angry about her friends choosing him over her. The Old Me was always placating, accommodating, never standing up for herself. The Old Me had to hit the road, she had too much baggage.
I’d thought long and hard about how to get rid of the Old Me. My tactic was mostly superficial – I pierced my nose, got a tattoo to remind me that I was different and stronger, I was enrolling in university without knowing anyone I would be in classes with… but it wasn’t quite enough. I still recognized the Old me in my face and my want to change was so strong that it made me want to scream.
It was definitely the hair. What else could it be? It had to go.
I went to a friend of a friend at her cool urban salon. The walls were pink, exposed brick and mirrors everywhere, framed in by flat panel TVs. This place looked like somewhere The New Me would like. So I uttered the words that would banish the Old Me forever.
“I’m thinking a shaggy pixie cut.”
To my credit, I brought in pictures. I was overflowing with Mandy Moore & Elisha Cuthbert pictures. I said “pixie” but all of the photo evidence I brought suggested something 3″ long at the shortest. I meant something light and flippy. My friend of a friend talked to me about what I wanted & we agreed. She started cutting from the back, and I felt so much lighter! I could feel the Old Me falling away, like someone different would be revealed when we carved some of my length away.
She had cut about a quarter of my head and was working up towards the front when she had to step away away for a moment. I turned my head to admire the first glimpse of my new haircut…..and my hair was a quarter of an inch long.
WHAT JUST HAPPENED HERE?!!
My stomach jumped into my throat, I was dizzy, reeling, I wanted to go back and re-do the past five minutes. Why was she cutting it so short?? Why was…it was…. and it slowly dawned on me that there was absolutely nothing I could do. She had cut too much of it too short for me to be able to say anything. It couldn’t be fixed, I had to just let her finished. I was paralyzed. So I sat and chatted with her, trying to mask my horror, while she cut away all of my hair and proceeded to “clean it up” with clippers. It was a quarter of an inch long on the sides and just shy of a half an inch long on the top.
I walked to my car – hyper aware of the different looks I was getting now that my shoulder length wavy locks were gone – and tried to breathe normally. I fell into the drivers seat and pulled down the mirror to have a look. I officially had a buzz cut. This was just what I needed. Now everyone who knew the Old Me would think that I was having a nervous breakdown. This would be further evidence of my state of mind, and I would be a joke to them.
Sitting in the front seat of my little blue civic, I had a total and complete meltdown. So complete that the first person I called wasn’t even a sympathetic friend. The first person I called, howling & sobbing, was my mom. Somehow I managed to drive myself home, shaking with anger and betrayal. The New Me was just as much a stranger as the Old Me. How had I possibly managed this?
The months after getting my hair chopped right off were hard. I didn’t ever consider myself a superficial person, but I guess my hair was more a part of my identity than I knew. I felt naked and raw all the time. My grandparents were concerned about me. My friends around the university didn’t recognize me for weeks – a complete blessing – and thankfully by the time they did I had built myself up to the point of being able to wave and enjoy the shock and horror of their reactions. They couldn’t handle my transformation – couldn’t process it – and some part of me relished that. I was unfathomable to them. Good for me! It said more about them than it said about me.
It took me a while, but eventually I started to love my short hair. I maintained it at a super-short length for about 8 months. I looked beautiful in my own way – my eyes popped like nothing else and while I had nothing to hide under, my features and personality were feminine in contrast with my little cut. I got more female attention than I could shake a stick at, which I was thoroughly amused & flattered by. I felt like a walking social experiment, guys & girls who would have never given me a second look when I had long hair were suddenly coming out of the woodwork, and my old friends had no idea what to make of me. I stopped trying to hide & really enjoyed that no one could quite put their finger on me at first glance anymore.
I started dating Mister when I had my buzz cut. He was the T.A. for one of my university classes – we started dating in January 2004 and had moved in together by February 2005. My hair cut was far too expensive for me to maintain when I moved out, so I started growing it out.
The “Shaggy Pixie Cut”, 4 or 5 months into growing it out
It’s taken four years but I’ve finally got the long hair that I’ve been growing my hair out for. I really love it – but I don’t let it become part of who I am. The Old Me was a girl who was paralyzed – by her relationships, friendships, image, and the imagined expectations of others. The New Me? She’s a lot more laid back, someone I would want to hang out with. She has days where she feels like a million bucks and days where she can’t get out the door in one piece. She almost never looks perfect in pictures, is unsure of herself sometimes, but she’s happier than the Old Me ever was.
With my long hair & the way I dress I think it’s easier for people to feel like they have an idea of who I am just by the way I look. If that makes them comfortable then I’m fine with that – but the New Me showed me that really, they don’t have any idea of who I am or how strong I am. They might think they have me pegged, but they really can’t put their finger on me, and that’s exactly how I like it.
I know this is a really old post, but this really rang true for me. And the first comment on this post? DEAD ON. I’m a bit infamous for cutting my hair in the bathroom mirror every time I get a bug up my butt (sorry, that’s a southern saying, I think, ha). I had long hair for years and years, too, but I’ve discovered that there’s something so cathartic about just chopping it all off and saying, “This is not part of me. I can live without this.” It’s empowering.
Before I broke up with my ex, I kept telling him I felt like I needed a change. When he didn’t get that I meant I needed to see a change in how he was treating me, I dumped him. 2 weeks later I got my tragus pierced–I still have my “freedom piercing” but now it’s more just a cool detail.
Aw, I think the shaggy pixie was cute on you! I have a sort of similar story … About four and a half years ago, this girl I knew asked if I wanted to come to a salon for a free hair cut – I told her I had just gotten my haircut a week before so I didn’t need one so I asked if I could get hilights for free. She said yes …. but then the hairdresser proceeded to dye the back of my hair brown and the top super light — and then cut my hair even though I told her I didn’t need my hair cut. And she basically gave me a buzz cut in back. I proceeded to cry and cry and cry while driving home but I eventually embraced it and learned to love it. I’m trying to grow out my hair right now but I think one day I’ll get the super short pixie cut again.
I have never cut my hair due to heartbreak, but I do have a story to share. A bad case of bugs the summer before going into 8th grade did it for everyone involved, and they made me chop off my waist-length luscious red locks to boy short not-so-mushroom top. I couldn’t stand the way I looked. And when I went back to school I was asked quite a few times if I was a boy. But sooner or later, I learned out to deal. And it grew back. Bug free!
You are an amazing person. And sometimes I’m still a little freaked out that we know so much about one another, yet have only met twice.
I love the way you told this story, it was perfect. I actually went through something pretty similar, it’s so amazing to see what you find in yourself just from something that seems so small.
You’re awesome.
Wow! That would have been terrifying, however, it is absolutely adorable in that picture! I always mess with my hair–new cuts colors, etc…but I have never cut it short, short…I’ve always wanted to. I do think that when you are going through transitions in life, changing your appearance can be part of that. Obviously it was time for a change–good for you for doing it, even if it was a bit traumatizing! :) Either way, your hair is super cute.
Weirdly I’ve never felt the need to cut all my hair off or make a drastic change to it – no matter what I’m going through, the only thing I ever seem to want to do to it is make it blonder!!! Also, I think the fact I don’t “DO” hairdressers means I’m less likely to do something drastic – unless its an accident at my own hands.
I had shortish hair for most of my childhood and have been pretty much trying to grow my hair ever since. But I seem to have that annoying kind of hair that reaches a certain length and then just stops so its been just below my shoulders at the same length for AGES now!
I am pretty sure I would have reacted much the same way you did upon seeing such a short cut. While my hair is hardly anything to me because it ends up in a pony tail every single day, I would clearly miss it if it were gone.
I never did a break up haircut but I did have a “pixie” forced upon me when I was about 12 years old lol. My mum was sick of me having straggly hair I didn’t brush properly even though it was nice and long (almost waist length!) so she took me for a big chop. I remember it vividly…. sitting there bawling in the chair afterwards while the stylist told me “but look! you can see your pretty earrings now!” It was awful, I had a boy’s haircut and the growing out was the worst because my hair is naturally frizzy and curly, and this was before straightening irons came into my possession. I did the same cut for grad though. I think that was shortly before I met you! (Never let me do it again!)
Haha, I definitely cut of all my hair when me and The Ex broke up as well. There is just something about hair that makes you feel like a new person. I loved the way you told that story, and I think the picture of your short hair is super cute! Some people have the right faces for short hair cuts, and you definitely looked awesome, though I am sure your longer hair is just as pretty!
GRRR! I hate that your pics are censored at my job, where I do most of my blog-reading (hahaha). But I will star and check back tonight! :)
Good story! I understand the feeling of horror and the desire to hide it from the hairdresser. Been there. Too many times. And I also understand the desire to change your appearance in a drastic way. Been there. Love the photograph. Short hair can be truly liberating. I’ve kept mine short for the past few years and I just can’t bring myself to grow it out, even with all the expensive maintenance required.
I also love hearing about that time in your life — pre-university, post-bad relationship, pre-Mister. I hope to hear more about those challenges.
Great story, Kyla Bea!
You know, I did the same thing. When my ex & I broke up, I dyed my hair black. My hair was already cut into a pixie, but I wanted to do something drastic. I didn’t regret my decision — I have kept my hair short & black ever since — but I definitely know the desperation you felt when trying to make a transition into old & new…
But it seriously unnerves me to know that hairstylists can’t get a grip! I mean, you showed her pictures of what you wanted, why did she cut your hair so short?? This infuriates me, since I used to do hair… I just don’t understand why they can’t get it right!
I’ve never gone for the breakup haircut per-se, although the color of my hair has changed depending on certain life events. After settling in to my current relationship I finally let the hair color and make up thing subside for the most part. There’s something pretty comforting about being myself, down to my own hair color. I’m more the type to fall out of a relationship and then re-enroll at a gym, although I’m not sure that’s the “healthiest” reason – although it’s something that’s obviously changing as well. WAY TO BE YOU!
Ah, the hair cut. I usually do something else: get a new piercing, dye my hair, go on crazy gym binges. That cut looks great on you, though! I can’t pull stuff like that off. I’m in the process of growing my hair out too… cut it all off post-break up in April and now I want it back. Badly.
love your candid posts, by the way!
Hmm…interesting.
I grew up having short hair my whole entire life. My mom has short hair and so I think she just made me have short hair too. I always had a short shag or a little pixie cut. Freshman year of college, I was ‘the girl with the short white hair’. (I have REALLY blonde hair naturally.)
But now, I have long(ish) hair. And I love it!!
However, I definitely think that the type of man I am attracted to is more attracted to me when I have long hair. Maybe that’s part of why I like it?
I’ve never done anything drastic after a break up. I wonder why? I guess most of me wanted NOTHING to change after my first heartbreak. I wanted things to be the same.
But…on a side note…I am considering bangs. Veeeery seriously considering bangs. It might be a Thanksgiving present to myself? Hahaha.
I had a pretty damn emotional time when I first cut my hair short. But I needed to, because I was having these irrational fears of my long hair catching on fire or being cut in some weird accident. Once I was able to let it go, the fear subsided. That being said, that is one darn cute picture of you!
YES. I did that over the summer. I had my heart broken and I got it cut really short just for a change.Horrible idea. I’m still waiting for it to grow out.
When I was in 8th grade going through my first “breakup”, my mom sang me a song from an old movie- I’m not even sure which one it was now- but the lyric she sang went “I’m gonna wash that man right outta my hair!” Since then I’ve always associated breakups with my hair. Whether it meant dying it or cutting it, or both, my hair changed with the ending (or what I thought was the ending) of a relationship. My friends had gotten so used to my break up hair, when I randomly decided to dye it a few weeks ago, 3 of them called to make sure everything between Boyfriend and me were okay :)
As for your short hair? So cute! I’ve always been jealous of people who can pull off short hair!
i got just s smidge teary eyed when i read this just now. has anyone ever told you that you are wise beyond your years? you really are.
when i knew i was going to break up with my ex, i cut off nine inches of hair because i needed to physically feel the change that i was about to make, if that made any sense. i could never, ever pull off hair that short, but you looked awesome. (you’re totally one of those girls i’d whisper about though, and be all “wtf, why can iiii pull off hair like that!?” i’m not gonna lie.
xo.
yep – I always go for a break up haircut! I had mine cut off from waist length to above my shoulders, which was a massive change. I don’t think it changed me as much as yours sounds like it did, but I just knew I wasn’t the same person as I was with him, and I liked it.
Now I just wish it would grow though!!
We call it “the breakup haircut”. Nearly any woman who just went through a big break up has a need to shed her old skin. They come in and say they want it short andeasy. What they really want is to get rid of all those old feelings. And we do these cuts, knowing that they will likely hate them, that tears are often inevitable, that we may very well lose a client over them.
I love doing break up haircuts, because they are such a catalyst to growth. I have actually shaved my head a few times in my life, not due to breakups, just to do it, and I went through something very similar to what you described here. A woman does not realize how much of her identity is wrapped up in her hair until it is gone. We come out the other end with an entirely new perspective of ourselves, and it is so beautiful, yet completely impossible to convey. I tell everyone that will listen that I think every woman should have a super short cut or just shave it at least once in her lifetime. Being bald was the closest I have ever been to myself.
All of that said, ‘pixie’ means Mia Farrow circa Rosemary’s Baby. Don’t say pixie unless you mean it! But the stylist should have known that she needed to talk to you more when you showed her pictures of a longer cut. Totally her fault for not taking the time to be sure she understood what you really meant. Even if I AM glad that she screwed it up so you could go through this. ;)