One of the things that I find the most frustrating about day to day life is that I’m constantly beating myself up or being a downer.  I don’t even mean to, I quite like myself and my life is (mercifully, at the moment) pretty friction free. But even with all the luck in the world, most times it’s hard to stop the negative thoughts that run through our minds when they’re left undistracted.

Sometimes the negativity is hard to miss, and my doubts and insecurities will announce themselves with trumpets and fanfare, shouting and pointing fingers like lives hang in the balance… when I’m only making dinner.

But often it’s more subtle. I’ll be doing something normal, that’s not even unpleasant, but that stands between me and the rest of my day. I’ll be cleaning, and I’ll realize that while my body’s working and getting things done, my mind has drifted and my inner monologue was taken over by a sulky teenager who can’t believe I’m forcing her to do this.

And, on principle, she refuses to do anything without my knowing that how unhappy she is.

Us and our sulky teenage brains.

This is why we can’t have nice things.

I realized this about myself last year when I was trying to get back into working out. “Trying to get back into working out” is one of my perpetual hobbies, and for most of my life I’ve really, genuinely resented having to exercise. But last year, for the first time I got curious about why that is, and started to parse out exactly what it was about it I disliked.

When I thought about it, I saw that I don’t mind sweating, I don’t mind being active, and I actually really like feeling accomplished, strong, and having an endorphin rush after working out.

Counter to what I’d always thought, my experience showed me that I like the process of working out and I like how I feel after I workout… so what was going on here?

Once this dawned on me, I decided to try working out while being aware of my thoughts… and what I found shocked me. I don’t like exercising because while I’m doing it I whine and moan about how hard it is, no matter what I’m doing. I watch the clock and amplify every negative part of the experience, just out of habit.

I realized that I wasn’t actually avoiding exercise, I was avoiding spending time with myself when my thoughts are so negative and miserable!

Negative thinking is a hard habit to kick. It’s hardwired into us and is key to our survival. As humans, we still have deep-seated prey instincts in us. The only way to keep ourselves safe when we lived in tribes was to identify who was with us and who was against us, as quickly as possible, preferably from a safe distance away.

So we look for differences. That one piece of food that looks a little different from the rest? It could kill us. New people we haven’t seen before could turn our lives upside down. Having ancestors who were really good at assuming the worst, or at least being on the look out for it, is a huge part of how you and I are here today.

So we actually have sulky teenage caveman brains that have been with us since the dawn of time. This should be easy to fix, right?

Here’s what has helped me:

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1. Say, “Hello, Sweetie” to old habits, instead of goodbye

Just because we have a habit doesn’t mean it has to rule us. The simple act being aware of our inner monologue is a huge toward stepping in a new direction. Instead of being swept away by a negative thinking pattern, when you notice it happening, take a deep breath and say hello to that pattern.

I literally say “hello, sweetie” in my mind when I slip into negative thinking, which is a Doctor Who reference that delights me, and that moment of delight helps stop me from beating myself up. When it stops delighting me, I’ll choose something new.

2. Do some heart math & fear busting

If you’re out of the practice of positive thinking, it might be difficult to start, and you will probably feel a little awkward and strange about cheering yourself on. But to counteract the habit of name calling or internal grumbling, you will need to go further than to stop thinking negatively, because there’s probably a slight chance that you won’t stick the landing perfectly every time. At least then, you’ll still end up with a net positive.

Sometimes just the idea that you’re going to overcompensate for negativity with positive thoughts can bring up a lot of uncomfortable feelings. Please know that it’s fine to feel that way. Your inner teenage cave-person is trying to keep you safe, but there’s no danger here, no one can hear your thoughts! It’s even fine if your negative thinking starts asking, “What’s next, finding out when mercury’s in retrograde you hippy?”. You can respect mercury’s privacy or be all up in it’s charts, but consider this an experiment and see how it goes for a 1 – 2 weeks. You have nothing to lose, and procrastination is all about fear. Call it’s bluff!

3. Invent a positivity trigger

Now comes the fun part. Think about one aspect of your life that would be better if you were able to get more positive about it. Then drill down further: is there a specific action that you could supercharge into a positivity trigger? This will be like a starting gun in a race, and it’s your cue to start cheering yourself on.

For example, if you want to be more positive about work, you could decide to start cheerleading for yourself anytime you send an e-mail. If you have a long commute that gets you down, you could start cheerleading yourself anytime you get to a metro or bus stop. When I was exercising, I did this any time I hit a cross street in my run because I needed all the help I could get.

4. Build your cheerleading muscles

The next time you meet your positivity trigger, let your inner crowd go wild. You can literally imagine the sound of a crowd cheering, compliment and encourage yourself, picture David Beckham professing his undying love to you, or imagine yourself diving through a money room like Scrooge McDuck that you’ve been given just for being an outstanding human being. Whatever makes you smile – just make it over the top and positive.

5. Keep it up, and let the effort be enough

One of the hardest parts of creating new habits like this is sticking with them long enough to let them grow on us, so I’d recommend giving yourself a little reward for every week that you stick with it. Build in a benefit that’s more immediate than the long term shift.

And when you practice this, try to also remember how rare it is to be someone who wants to work on their habits, and how much better you’ll feel when you have less negativity in this part of your life. This makes you rare and on the way to feeling great – and that’s kind of incredible.

No one is going to stick the landing on positive thinking every single time and that’s not goal. There isn’t an end result or “home free” square here – just side benefits like having more fun in your daily life, and having less holding you back from chasing down your dreams.

Positivity is a practice and a muscle, and in my mind it’s an everyday super power. Just like “being into fitness”, I’m still working on both.