Originally posted here with The Demoiselles

It takes a lot to slow me down. I’m a former stage manager and planning addict. I have google calendars and daybooks coming out my ears. I feel like I can do a lot- and like Gauri I’m also a helper. If you need me I’m there. I’m also there if I think that it’s possible you might need me, or if you don’t need me but your second cousin might. Between this natural tendency to over extend myself and the challenges I’ve been dealing with personally, these past six weeks have been awfully hard. I’ve been going to school, maintaining my own blog, guest posting here, working, trying to keep my house & puppies in some semblance of order, seeing friends two nights a week and dealing with a big challenge in my family.

If I’ve learned anything from my health collapsing to the point that I couldn’t even make enough sense to post last week, it’s this:

Just because I can do fourteen things at once doesn’t mean that it’s healthy or that I should.

This works doubly for heath routine efforts from what I’ve experienced over this challenge, and it’s kind of driving me crazy.

Case: up until last week I was doing sit ups, going for massage, stretching, doing yoga, strengthening, heating, icing, trying the miracle balls that I bought and just waiting for something to work.

and Point: I took last week off from doing everything other than the miracle ball method, and my back pain is significantly better.

Case: Up until this week I had been trying different calorie counter methods, trying to make sure I got enough walking in, doing cardio twice a week, worrying about how I was eating, taking supplements, and being generally worried about my health.

and Point: In week four I stopped worrying, moved my mirror, started packing a bag lunch (and having a large healthy snack before I went out for lunch with friends), and not just felt better but inadvertently lost weight- from 140 lbs to 136 lbs.

The hilarious part is I feel kind of cheated. I feel like for nearly six weeks I’ve been putting out an astounding amount of energy, only to get sick and for it to not really get me anywhere…and then the solution is to do less? To have a healthy snack before going out for lunch with friends so I don’t eat as much bad stuff? I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but limiting what I’m doing to a few effective, time efficient things seems way harder than calorie counting or logging cardio hours. Because, you know, I’m a total freak or something.

But at the same time the writing is clearly on the wall.

Looking back at it, I think that the stuff I’ve been doing over these weeks to try to feel better about my body (and in my body) has largely been so I feel like I’m jumping through enough hoops to deserve the back pain free times I have, or to deserve to feel good in a cute outfit. It hasn’t been about pain reduction, it’s been about earning the right to feel good and be happy.

But you know what? I don’t need to jump through any hoops to deserve to feel good or be happy. I just don’t!

I’m not sure how long it will take for me to really slow down and simplify without having to make a huge effort at it, but for I’m trying to remember & to make decisions from a place of whole body & mental healthiness. In fact the bracelet I’m wearing in the above picture is just for that- every time I see it I’m repeating to myself “change your pace”.

Anything that helps right?