July 9th, 2012
Getting Behind Me
One of the things the summer always seems to bring into my life is a sense of ease- even with a heavy curtain of humidity in the air, or lots of clients on the go, so much seems possible!
The spring was, unexpectedly, a hard season for me. I lost a lot of confidence in myself and gained social anxiety as a result (I know, I’m such a blast) and felt little insecurities piling up around me until there wasn’t much room for me to be myself in the space that remained. On top of that, for the first time in many years I didn’t feel excited about sharing my life online. I didn’t think about writing anymore and when I came to this space I struggled with what to share and how to share it. It’s always humbling and surprising how the lessons you need to learn will just fall out of the sky and into your lap sometimes, and then to be even more infuriating, you can’t move on from them until you’ve Dealt With What Needs Dealing With.
How inconvenient! I wish Life Issues would at least schedule themselves in or drop an email before wrecking their havoc.
I’ve been doing a lot of work on gaining confidence and getting behind exactly who I am, and I’m working on being accepting of the funny things that make me myself. I’m a jeans and t-shirt girl, a tattoo collector, fiercely opinionated, wholeheartedly passionate. I love weekend naps, am most at home when I’m cooking, adore cheesy horror and sci fi movies, and love to read alarmingly long books. I’m a researcher, a geeky girl, a details person, an encourager, an animal lover, and someone who needs a lot of alone time to recharge. I love to make things but I’m an organizer, not a “crafter” and I’m always going to try to find the story of the people around me when I’m not trying to make them laugh. I’m trying to be accepting and loving about those things and to ignore the fashionable / photoshopped / crafty / vintage / goddess / girl who doesn’t exist, but somehow keeps creeping into my head and putting me down!
So I’ve been doing a lot of work for the past month or two, and I’m happy to be doing a lot better :)
Maybe on the other side of this it’s not a surprise that so much seems possible, now that I’ve processed what I need to and have rallied my internal cheerleading team, but I’m happy to feel more like myself, to be thinking about writing again, and to feel excited for everything that comes with the summer and having certainty and self confidence behind me.
To celebrate the changes I’ve been making to my square old heart I’m redesigning my blog (this week or next!) and am getting a new tattoo tomorrow. I think both will be exactly what I need.
This is really good and exactly how I feel about writing at the moment. I sit in front of the computer and there are no words to be found.
Glad you are finding your way back! I really loved reading this! Thank you xxx
Thank you for sharing. I think there are many of us (mostly young women?) struggling with what we believe are other people’s expectations. We’re desperately trying to fit in and to achieve and accomplish in areas that are really… meaningless to us.
I’m going through something similar (at least that’s what I think, how can one know?) and have a feeling that I pretty soon will be out on the other side as a new – or the real – me.
Can’t wait to see your new blog design – or the new tattoo!
Take care.
I’m glad you’re back! I missed you :)
You are such an inspiration to me and I am so glad you shared this. I can definitely relate to what you’ve said here. I spend so much time doubting myself and questioning myself and forgetting to just let myself be who I am!
I think you are awesome though and I am glad you’re back;)
I second many others’ notions about being forthright about personal struggles being refreshing. Wow, what an awkward sentence. Sometimes when I look out at the world, on the internet or otherwise, I wonder why everyone else seems to be so okay, when I feel so shaky. They have their impeccably designed homes, their snappy prose, their self-employed dream jobs. I have to remind myself over and over again that everyone has their own battles. It’s nice to remember that I’m not somehow flawed by not having it all figured out. No one has it figured out. It would be cool if everyone stopped pretending they did a little more, and then maybe we could all help each other out. (…and hold hands and sing kumbaya of course.)
The Internet–while one of my favorite things ever–is an especially bad enabler when it comes to comparing yourself to others. It’s hard not to fall into the trap of “Maybe I should be more like her, or do what she’s doing…” no matter how old you are or where you are in life (or how happy you are in your life, which I am, and STILL, I compare — it’s maddening).
My 3-year-old daughter recently said “I really, really want to be Rapunzel,” which…of course she does, she watches “Tangled” non-stop. But it hurt my heart to hear her express a desire to be anyone but herself, because she’s so wonderful. I tried to explain this to her (but, you know…she’s three), and the whole situation reminded me of why I should always set the example of being happy with exactly who I am. TRUTH.
Oh my goodness, that would be so hard to hear your little girl say! Setting an example for her is such a strong way of showing how she can be in the world. I love how you say that no matter how old you are, or how happy you are in love, you still end up comparing yourself because it’s really true for me too! I’m working on breaking that habit, but it’s a life long practice. I found this article on how to stop comparing yourself to others on Tiny Buddha really interesting. Comparing me now to myself 1, 3, or 5 years ago seems so much healthier than comparing myself to other people.
i’ve been falling into the trap of comparing myself to others, and not getting behind myself enough. i am also a jeans and t-shirt kind of girl, a tattooed nerd who loves animals and tv and doughnuts. i’m not a 6am wake and go to hot yoga kind of gal. i’m not a DIY goddess, and my house is almost never clean. i’m introverted and get nervous walking into rooms of people. one of my problems is that i feel a disconnect between how i wish i looked/dressed/presented myself to the world and the way i actually am right now. sometimes it’s hard to love what you have, even if what you have is actually kind of great.
“one of my problems is that i feel a disconnect between how i wish i looked/dressed/presented myself to the world and the way i actually am right now” Lauren, you’ve summed up exactly what I’m struggling with myself! I’ve been working on bringing my wardrobe closer to match my personality- but honestly, it’s just not what my interest or priority is. I’m accepting that I want to be casual & comfortable – and play dress up now and then – and that I don’t need to be any different than that.
What makes it a struggle for me is that I have a younger sister who is incredibly fashionable and effortlessly amazing looking, and sometimes I want that for myself so badly! It’s so hard to not compare myself to her, or to girls online, but I just keep focusing on just loving her for that passion and on loving me for mine. Eventually it’ll take, right? :)
i go to art school, where every day looks like a fashion show. and it makes me want to dress up, but on the days that i do, i feel completely inauthentic. i’m so glad that someone else feels this way- i try to explain it to my friends, but nobody ever gets what i’m trying to say! i just sit around reading tomboy style, trying to find a way to make my love for casual wear somehow marry my desire to be somewhat fashionable. you’re a very talented lady, and your passion for what you do is beautiful.
Kyla, I’m the little sister in this scenario! I love fashion, read vogue, plan my wardrobe… to my sister it has been a little frustrating. But the truth is I have been working hard for years to try to create a wardrobe and style that is very “me” and I still have days where I don’t get dressed, don’t shower, don’t put makeup on, am frustrated with my clothing… I think getting dressed is so mood and energy based. I am learning to relax and be okay with the fact that I freaking LOVE sweat pants and I can’t get dressed nicely everyday! It’s easy to look online and see stylish babes to the left and right but, it’s just about someone making a choice on how they’re presenting themselves online. It’s the same thing with everything in your personal life… what parts of your life you choose to show, what your brand is, what your online presence is, what YOUR blog space is for. I love you for your natural genuine beauty, honesty and creativity. xo
Kyla, you write so well about something that I have definitely gone through myself — a few times. Good old Life Lessons. It sounds like you passed the test, though. Love your attitude!
So happy to have you back, Kyla!
So well written. It’s funny because the way I see you is a creative/fashionable/beautiful/unique woman! It’s so wonderful to have an introspective and growth period. I’m doing the same.
xo
Kacie
It can be hard to put yourself, your true self out there, which I am finding especially in the blogging world. Every page turn, click it seems like everyone has qualities that I struggle with or are different than my particular set. But redefining yourself with some concretes is always a great place to start. One thing that I do is have a personal “mission statement”…businesses have them so why not me. So I list my strengths, dreams, themes in my life, compliments, etc. But it reminds me how I am exactly who I was made to be when I’m feeling down…not narssisticly but more, oh ya, I’m pretty awesome just as me. So this is long. Great job! Welcome in the summer!
“Every page turn, click it seems like everyone has qualities that I struggle with or are different than my particular set.” This is really interesting Susan. It’s hard to remember that everyone online is sharing their high moments and best accomplishments, not necessarily their day to day experiences. Your lists sound like a great way to focus in on the important things :)
This is one of the things I love about you, honesty. I’m glad you’re redoing your blog design to fit where you’re at right now. And since I’m a girl that needs time alone to recharge, it’s always good to hear that from others. I hope you’ll keep sharing the way you do!
Catherine Denton
Lately, I have struggled with the same thing. In the past two years, I have had countless blog moves and twitter changes trying to “find myself.” I have struggled because I felt like my pleasures and hobbies: reading, crochet and simple portrait photography were too simple to make me stand out on the interwebs. Only now, am I beginning to feel successful and that is because I am staying true to who I really am.
Sending you much love!
How brave of you to share your journey! You are not alone, there are many kindred spirits out there, and I count myself among them. Can’t wait to see the redesign of your site and your new tattoo. Congrats!
this post was so uplifting, even with it’s subject. you handle yourself with such grace.. it’s really inspirational. :) i tend to get tattoos after big adjustments in my life, too. excited to see what you’re getting. :) <3
Good to hear you’re doing well! I’ve missed your new posts, but I know exactly what you’re going through – I’m going through it myself. Glad to hear things are going much better! :) You rock!! Thanks for sharing – you’ve got some incredible strength!
We’ve definitely missed you! “I wish Life Issues would at least schedule themselves in or drop an email before wrecking their havoc.” Amen to that! Can’t wait to see the new look of the blog and your tattoo – love your list!
Those blasted life lessons…can’t wait to see what your new tattoo will be.
this is so good. so so good :)
xoxoxoxoxox
Thanks so much for sharing! I have been feeling like this lately and am just coming thru the process accepting, loving, and embracing the REAL me.
Hey Kyla, good to read from you. I am sorry that you were having a tough time… it’s kind of funny how there are periods where you can’t think about anything BUT sharing your life on your blog and then, all of a sudden, it’s like a switch has been turned off and all the passion about writing is gone. I always wonder why and how that happens… but it’s like you said, life issues don’t ask for appointments, they’re the unexpected and unwelcome surprise guests!
Glad you’re finding a way back here :)
I love you for being you, my dear friend! And I love how candid and honest you are about your life. Something I really admire about you. :)
I always enjoy reading your blog! I applaud your willingness to be so open and candid about what you are going through. As an introvert (i.e. needs re-charge time alone often) living in an extrovert world, I can empathize with you. I didn’t address being true to who I am until I had been married 15 years and had 3 children–it’s never too late–but I commend you for your courage to stand up and be yourself and to deny that “false voice” who tries to make you into someone you’re not!
Can’t wait to see your new tattoo!
Tina
*hugs* I can really relate to everything you’re saying here. Life threw me a few hoops over the last little while, knocked my self-confidence down a few notches, and helped me to develop some social anxiety of my own. I hold onto the hope of the future, and always working towards my goals, and never giving up. Perhaps I will write a self reflective post like this… thanks for the inspiration! :)
– Sasha
http://www.lacewinged.com
I love getting new tattoos to either close a chapter of my life or start a new one. It’s just so refreshing and so … I don’t know, but I feel like only other people who have tattoos know the feeling.
I have struggled with anxiety/depression/ruts for most of my life and only started experiencing the rebirths, ah-hah! moments and strength of happiness in more recent years. I am determined to let those out weigh the others.
One thing that has sincerely helped me has been to write down what I am grateful for everyday. Just do it, if nothing else… and soon you will see that your list will grow and grow and what you are grateful for is being exactly who you are. Sending you some positive energy and looking forward to seeing your new tattoo if you want to share.
This post describes something I have been struggling with for a while and I am so glad to find out I am not alone!!
Yay for new tattoos and I can’t wait to see what it is!!
It’s so difficult dealing with inner demons and anxiety, glad you’re starting to feel a bit better. I just wanted to say that I absolutely love your blog. You have a great voice and I love all your posts!
I’m so glad that you’re beginning to feel more like yourself! I think in the blogging world, we feel so much pressure to be perfect. It can get really draining after a while! I love it when bloggers are honest with who they are. It really is so refreshing!
I’m excited to see the blog re-design, too!
I’m glad to hear your doing better! Sometimes all we need to do it sit back an realise we’re awesome, which you obviously are
chloe x
This was really inspiring, Kyla! It’s very refreshing when people in our community show that they are human and struggle with things. No on is perfect and we have to remember that our imperfections make up part of who we are. Lovely. Can’t waitro see the new design and tat!
You have such a wonderful ‘voice’ that makes me feel so at ease.
That’s all I wanted to say really :)
Sophie
I’m so glad you’re back! I was just thinking the other day that I hadn’t seen you around and started missing your posts. You may not be one of those goddesses, but you’re the blogger who feels like a friend who tells us about their day and gives good advice when we least expect it. You’ve always done such a good job! So glad to see you back on your feet! :)
My goodness Natalie, that means so much! Thank you, lady :)
I’m actually just now entering into this rut you’re talking about. glad to see there is another side!
and can’t wait to see the tattoo/new design. good luck!
Thank you so much for sharing! I go through times when I feel the same way. I love the idea of making a list of things that you like about yourself and learning to accept them. It’s hard to let go of trying to be everything all at once and just be yourself. You’re wonderful!
For what it’s worth, I’ve missed your posts and precisely because you’re *not* one of the crafty vintages goddesses. I enjoy a lot of their blogs, but I love yours for being that little bit different.
Thanks Sarah! I love having a little insight into what you enjoy about my space- I think my “niche” might be “jarringly honest, encouraging, tattooed business owner blogger lady” and that suits me fine ;)
“I’m trying to be accepting and loving about those things and to ignore the fashionable / photoshopped / crafty / vintage / goddess / girl who doesn’t exist, but somehow keeps creeping into my head and putting me down!”
Good for you! I have to do that actively as well… ignore the false and not succumb to the pressures to try to be all of the above. Unless it is warm outside, I wear jeans. I wear heels, but not every day. I don’t spend more than about fifteen minutes getting ready in the morning, and even that’s pushing it. I rarely wear makeup.. I am not very photogenic. I do not lead the most exciting life – I work a desk job, and most nights I come home and I eat dinner and I watch a cop show on Netflix and conk out early.
And all of that is okay, because I am being honest to myself. I’m not glamorous, I’m not extraordinarily crafty, I’m not everyone’s definition of “pretty.” But I like myself very much, I like the life I’m leading, and that takes priority.
Good luck continuing to embrace your individuality. We, your readership, are totally in your corner! :)
Aw, Kayla- it sounds like we’re sensitive around the same things and have the same predilection for Netflix and early nights :)
I have trouble with silencing the voice in my head that wants to convince me I’d be beautiful/pretty IF… where everything after that statement is something that has no bearing on my heart, character or what I bring to the people around me. And ignores that when I feel beautiful, I shine- just like everyone does.
I love how you said “I’m not everyone’s definition of ‘pretty’ but I like myself very much, I like the life that I’m leading and that takes priority”. That sounds like the perfect antidote for the thinking I’ve been getting caught in. Thanks for sharing it!
Ooh – new blog design!! Can’t wait to see it.
New tattoo – ouch and very brave of you! I could never pluck up the courage for that.
Glad to hear you’re feeling a bit more like yourself.
Sarah
http://acatlikecuriosity.blogspot.co.uk/
I’m excited to get the new design online! I finished it on the weekend and just hired one of Freckled Nest Design’s developers to bring it to life this weekend- next Monday should be an exciting day :)
Right on girl. I love this. Don’t feel the need to project an image of anything other than what you are. Real and imperfect is beautiful (from a fellow geek/tattoo collector/introvert/jeans and t-shirt girl).
Thanks Megan- geeky tattoo collecting introverts unite! ;)
Oh Kyla, I was wondering why your posts got so sporadic! But it’s definitely okay, working on yourself and (re-) finding your confidence in life and your abilities is your number one priority, as it should be. Good for you that you’re doing the work, and getting there! I don’t even know you (irl I mean), and I’m already super proud of you =) Take alll the time you need, and do the things you need to do to get to that good (or at least better) place. I know what it means to lose faith in yourself (or just plain have none) and I know how hard it is to get it back, but you’ll get there. I know so. Good luck getting tattooed tomorrow, enjoy! And don’t forget to show us the end result ;)
I’m so touched that you’d say you’re proud of me, Sara- I want to give you a big old IRL hug, but I’ll settle for an e-hug :) It sounds your self confidence and faith in yourself has been road tested, and I really appreciate knowing that you’re cheering me on <3
Nice to see you back around these parts, Ms. Kyla! Missed you! I know exactly what you mean about going through dry spells (ahem:: my blog) and not knowing what to share anymore. I’m glad you’re seeing your way through to the other side of the tunnel though. Sometimes we have to go through these awkward, often painful, growing pains, but I think in the end we’re better for it. And EEEE! re: the new tattoo! Please do tell us all about it, I adore your other ones and have been seriously waffling on what to get next myself.
Lots of love to you, Shelley x
Thank you for your encouragement, Shelley! The growing pains are uncomfortable, but you’re right that we come out not just better but more resilient and more ourselves on the other side. Beautiful insight :)