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I haven’t felt safe for three years.

Three years that I have been looking over my shoulder every time I’ve been in the downtown core of my hometown. Three years that I’ve had to avoid certain streets, certain restaurants, certain clubs and certain people I used to call close friends.

As far as break-ups go, ours was epic. I still don’t know who the winner is. I’ve come out on the other end with a career, a family and a life but somewhere in the shuffle I lost my sense of security and self-confidence. My nerves are shot, my self-image is gone, and I’m always bracing myself for what you might have in store for me should you ever decide to show the dark side that you hid from me for so long.

You’ve come out on the other end with the same life you had from the start. You lost the most and the least at the very same time.

I was twenty. You were in your mid-thirties despite telling me you were younger. I was a student with high hopes. You were a drug-dealer with nothing to lose. I was your innocent, naive ideal. You were my worst nightmare and my greatest opponent. You cut me off from my friends. You alienated me from my family.

You threatened my future on numerous occasions often by saying you’d end your own if you couldn’t have me.

When I left the first time, you disappeared – calling only in the middle of the night to make sure I was still sick to my stomach, telling me you were going to die quietly and leave me in peace. Me – a twenty-year-old already blaming myself for your death. You roped me back in, chained with guilt, fear and the knowledge that a clean break had escaped me.

When I left the second time, you took a different approach. That night was my first experience with physical abuse. The walls of my apartment never looked the same after being thrown into them. My balcony never looked the same after you climbed up onto it and slammed the glass panes in the middle of the night. My courtyard never looked the same after my big brother shuffled me quickly from the lobby into his car for a late-night escape. The city streets never looked the same after I spent months on the look-out for the people you promised would never let me forget my mistakes.

We’re lives apart but we’re still sharing a city and I’ve got the broken piece.