More than anything lately I have wanted to be home- not just at my house, but to be actively engaged in being home. I’ve been wanting to burrow up under blankets and sleep deeply, to roll out of bed to be greeted by coffee and honey glazed doughnuts just for the sake of decadence. I’ve been wishing I could ground myself, to just hold onto Mister and I and urge us to stay still a little while- especially after all this travel. I’ve been wanting do things I really want to do instead of making so much time for other people’s passions, and to only let the people I really love into my life for a while instead of scrambling off after work every night. I’ve been trying to mend up, sincerely.

On Friday afternoon I looked at the assignments I had on my desk, the pile of tissues and whiney tweets I had been posting and at my phone. I felt overwhelmed by the trip we had lined up, 16 hours in the car, and how I seemed to be only getting more sick. And I heard a little voice tugging at my heart, saying very clearly:

You don’t have to bluff your way through this. This is too much, and you know what you need right now.

So often when I know something is true, but it’s inconvenient or it’s hard, I just resist it. I pile things on and I deal with what’s on my plate, because I feel like I’m an adult and that’s what adults do. We just deal with what we get, and if we get in over our heads that’s just too bad. But after so much work last week talking to Mister & my friends and working hard to get my burn out reigned in, I tried considering that voice for a split second longer than I usually would.

These past few weeks I’ve been trying to make a change that goes beyond just not burning out all the time, I’ve been trying to figure out if my worldview could expand to include God. I KNOW. What a statement. It’s even in bold! And not where you thought this was going. You aren’t the only one who’s surprised, believe me. Spirituality is something that was totally not part of how I was raised, and something that I personally find a little terrifying, but over the past year and a half I keep being pulled towards this. After some soul searching I’ve resolved to at least stop ignoring my curiosity, and after some sweet responses from girls who know way more than I do, I was advised to at least listen to that little voice when I hear it. As a totally non-scary experiment. Who knows! God might tell me I should eat popcorn & drink all weekend! That could be good!

So I picked up the phone, on something of a whim, and told Mister we needed to cancel the trip.

And this weekend felt like Christmas. We stayed in our PJ’s the whole time, had doughnuts for breakfast, I finished all my school work (which would have definitely been impossible on the road) and we ate pizza every night. And after two weeks I’ve finally turned the corner towards getting better.

I’m feeling so relieved. That I pushed through another round of deadlines, and that I made the right choice. And that maybe, even if I can’t really talk about it properly yet, my experiment got a little less scary.

Even if it was just by a little bit.

{images: my flickr}