November 16th, 2019
How I Live (Mostly Happily!) with Depression & Generalized Anxiety Disorder
I’ve written about how my story of being diagnosed with Depression and Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) a number of times on this blog, but it’s been a long time since I gave an update. If you’re newer to my blog this post might be a surprise, but I come by my love of psychology, resilience, motivation, and unbridled positivity whenever possible honestly. In 2010, I was diagnosed, and since then my life has changed dramatically for the better.
If you’d like to, you can read about my initial diagnosis and a follow-up from later that year. Before I share the things that have helped make my life with Depression and GAD so much better, I wanted to share what’s changed since that original post and my diagnosis as I’ve learned more about myself and what this means for me.
What I Got Wrong & What’s Changed
A lot of my assumptions about what I was experiencing, in the beginning, turned out to be wrong. Strange right? This is the short list.
I thought I had GAD with an episode of depression
When I was initially diagnosed, my GAD symptoms were an urgent, all-encompassing and exhausting part of my daily life. It’s like living life with your startle response and stress dials set to 7, and any more stress that would normally bother a normal person, like going to the grocery store, writing an important email, or going out with friends, would be interpreted by my body as dangerous.
As my symptoms receded and my medication became effective, I felt so much better. But in the years since my diagnosis, my depression symptoms have been just as persistent, difficult, and present as my GAD. Looking back at my teenage years and twenties, I can see that depression was always a huge part of my life, but until now I didn’t understand that wasn’t my natural personality.
In the years that have passed, my understanding of my mental health changed even more. Today, my doctors and I agree that I likely have have depression, generalized anxiety disorder, and bipolar 2.
I thought my depression was mild until it was life-threatening
None of us knows how it feels to be another person, so it’s hard to know when what you’re feeling isn’t normal. But the slippery thing about mental illness is that it profoundly changes your perspective on how it feels to be you. I had no idea my depression was severe because as I became more and more depressed, I stopped being able to remember that I had ever felt differently.
When I was in the worst of my experience, I knew that I used to have more energy and feel happier, but the depression and GAD were such dampers on my perspective that I couldn’t imagine or remember what feeling better felt like. At the end of my worst episode, I was too tired to be awake for more than a few hours at a time, and I would feel heartbroken like I was grieving an unimaginable loss, the whole time I was awake.
Even then, I only went to the doctor because in one of those moments I thought, “I can’t imagine feeling like this for another week. Actually, I can’t imagine feeling like this for a few more days.”. I thankfully had the insight to know that was a suicidal thought, and it terrified me. I shouted for my husband, and we made a doctors appointment.
I thought getting help would be scary
I hear this a lot from people experiencing what they suspect might be mental illness, and who are terrified of getting help. Speaking with a doctor makes everything feel so much more real, and when I was in the thick of my worst feelings, I just wanted these feelings to go away on their own.
The thing was, I didn’t realize I was in the absolute worst part already. Knowing what’s wrong doesn’t hurt you anymore. It opens you up to help, resources, services, knowledge, and community. Knowing what’s going on opens a window that lets all kinds of good flood in.
Your doctor won’t force you to take medication. Your doctor will be a neutral outside party who can take your experience and objectively help you understand what’s going on. When you’re sick your perspective isn’t reliable, so having someone on your team who has been there before and sees things clearly is the best time and money you can spend.
I had no idea how much of what I experienced daily wasn’t normal (and was optional!)
I used to have a meltdown at least once a week. My husband and I would fight or get stuck in a misunderstanding about nothing, and it would end in tears.
I would play conversations over in my mind on endless loops, especially ones where I did or said something I regretted. I had repetitive thoughts or daydreams that I couldn’t switch off. I spoke quickly (though I didn’t think so at the time) and frequently caught myself holding my breath. I hated calling people on the phone or speaking to people I didn’t know, I became tired out easily and needed to nap on the weekends and be caffeinated at all other times. If someone startled me, I had a huge reaction and couldn’t watch any movies or shows with jump scares.
Thinking back through my life, I was younger; I would have crying episodes at least once a month where I would cry so hard I couldn’t breathe. I would get extremely frustrated and angry at times, over what seemed like nothing. Going to new places or meeting new people was extremely stressful, so I invented workarounds like visiting a new place the day before so I could plan where I would park and how I would walk to where I was going.
I was still myself. I was smart, quirky, and had it together, but no one – myself included – had any idea something was wrong until it escalated out of control.
In Minneapolis with my friends & heart people, Mandy and Nora in 2010, when my GAD & depression were escalating. I was exhausted all the time, and while I was positive and tried to fit fun in my life, it took a huge amount of effort. I didn’t do it to try to fit in, I did it because I thought everyone else felt the same way.
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We can only know what we experience, and I didn’t know that these are all symptoms of high anxiety, stress, or depression. And I’m happy to say most of my life is now completely symptom-free.
How I live (mostly happily) with depression and GAD
I know that I’m lucky. I’m sorry if you’re reading this and your situation is harder right now. I’m extremely lucky that my illness isn’t treatment resistant, that my symptoms aren’t any more severe than they are, and that I haven’t had to switch between meditations.
I’m also extremely lucky to have met the man I was going to marry when I was 19, as my illness started to escalate. Jesse was just as loving, observant, non-judgemental, patient and hilarious then as he is now, and because we moved in together in the first year of our relationship, I had someone close to me who could help me watch my symptoms change when my perspective on what was happening wasn’t clear. (There isn’t enough gratitude or thanks in the world for him!)
These are the things that have helped me:
1. I spoke to my family doctor and was open to medication as emergency help
When I had my first suicidal thought (Unwanted! Though I’m sure they all are) it frightened me enough to shock me into action, and for that, I’m forever grateful. My doctor completed symptom checklists with me, and I fit the profiles for both depression and GAD to the letter. Because I was in crisis, my doctor and I decided that a prescription was the fastest way to get me out of short-term danger. I tried Effexor, and after we got to a dosage that I started responding to and some time passed my life started feeling radically different.
Immediately, I was amazed by how much better I felt knowing that I was working on a solution with someone else in charge because I felt strongly that this was beyond my control. Within three months I felt better than I’d ever felt before, and was constantly asking my friends and family “Is this what you feel like normally? WHY DIDN’T I KNOW THAT???” and in six months I felt twice as good as that. Within nine months I felt even better, which was worlds beyond what I had ever dreamed of in my life, and when I started to truly appreciate how severe my situation had been.
I still have bad days every couple of months, and the stark Canadian winter makes my depression worse. I’ve been on a high dose (over 200 mg) of Effexor ever since and taking medication every day doesn’t bother me for even a moment, even though I thought it would. It’s what allows me to wake up happy, energized and excited for my life, being able to be there for my friends and family, doing work that I love and working for myself.
2. I started cognitive behavioral therapy & told my friends and family what was happening
After starting medication, I found a cognitive behavioral therapist and started going to regular sessions. I found the therapy approach profoundly interesting, but my therapist abrasive. There were some helpful pieces of what she worked with me on, like slowing my speech down and making sure I was breathing properly, but we weren’t a great match after the initial few sessions. As I learned that cognitive behavioral therapy is all about symptom reduction, and dove into everything, I could read on it so I could start putting them into action without hefty therapy bills.
At the same time, I told everyone I loved and cared about that I was diagnosed with GAD and depression. At the time, I felt relieved that there was a solution but also mystified that I had lived alongside side people whose lives just felt completely different from mine.
I shared openly because I felt shocked and excited, but I unintentionally recruited a big group of caring friends and family and set the tone for how we would talk about depression and anxiety together. This wasn’t frightening or emotional; it was a fascinating discovery that from that moment forward my life was going to feel better and better. I couldn’t stop talking about how we could all be so close and still have missed that we were experiencing life differently.
My friends and family stepped in beside me, and as I stopped having to fight through the sadness and anxiety, there was a lot of celebrating to do. I was quick to laugh, more positive, curious, adventurous, and myself than ever before, and it was a joy.
3. I read upon how depression & anxiety happens in the brain and learned about symptom reduction techniques so I could feel better
As I learned more and more about depression and anxiety disorders, I took a scientific approach: this is about neurotransmitters. I learned how and why different anxiety disorders have different symptoms, what causes them, what treats them, why treatments that aren’t medication based work for some people, what medication does for others, and anything else I could get my hands on.
I realized that if I had a broken leg, I would go to a hospital and that if I had diabetes, I would manage it. My family has a history of depression and anxiety, and I experienced some traumas as a young person, and my brain wasn’t producing and responding to neurotransmitters normally, but once I understood what was happening, I could use that information to help myself.
Helpful Resources:
Book: The 10 Best-Ever Anxiety Management Techniques
Book: The 10 Best-Ever Depression Management Techniques
Workbook: The 10 Best-Ever Anxiety Management Techniques Workbook
These books have cheesy names, but they break down experiences and management techniques by the kind of disorder you might have. It explains what they feel like, and what works to stop your symptoms. Super helpful.
Free Worksheets & Research Material: BC Anxiety
This is a fabulous online resource for information, worksheets, and an app. Everything on this site is extremely well researched and comes from a cognitive behavioral therapy perspective.
Tips & strategies to reduce and manage anxiety and depression
21 Tips to Keep Your Shit Together When You’re Depressed (This! 100 times yes.)
16 Things I’ve Learned from 16 Years of Living With Depression
Kristen Neff’s TED talk about Self-Compassion has been transformational and helpful for me, and if you’re in my life, I will basically force you to watch this at some point. Punch that card now, beautiful. ;)
Talkspace Archives: Talkspace is a way to access therapists affordably, anytime. Their depression category archive supplies a huge amount of free information and resources for people who need help with depression.
The You Effect by Dr. Kelsei LeAnn – I can’t say enough about this amazing therapist! Dr. Kelsei has a free podcast and affordable DIY online self coaching program that is excellent. She teaches practical therapeutic exercises where you learn about how to heal yourself and move forward, all from the privacy of your home. There’s even a book club and workbooks! It’s not therapy, but it’s an amazing way to grow between therapy appointments, and you could discuss anything she teaches with your therapist.
4. I started tracking my mood and built a routine that makes sure I strengthen what builds up my wellbeing
One of the best things about being alive at this the in the world is that there are so many diverse ways to help yourself! Aside from medication, the strategies and tools that have been the most helpful to me have all been books, apps, and technology pieces that help me build up habits that reinforce my having a great life.
A Digital Tool Kit For Feeling Better
Moodkit – An app created by cognitive behavioral therapists, this lets you put their strategies to work in your own life. Fill out self-assessment quizzes to find out what areas that add to wellness that your life is missing, and then accept challenges in those areas to increase your well-being. Track your mood and symptoms, and help you find distortions that make your interpretation of the world around you more negative so you can break the habit. [link]
Mind Shift – Another app created by cognitive behavioral therapists, focused on reducing anxiety. Report and track your symptoms, use their guided calming tools, and catch thinking distortions using their tools. [link]
Super Better – Recover from illness or injury! Super Better lets you be the hero in the game of your recovery, and through the game, you gain points from doing things that will help that. The concept is ingenious, and gamifying your life can inject any chronic illness with humor, playfulness, community, and make it feel a lot more manageable. How handy that those all build resilience, grit, and keep players motivated! It’s backed by science and is pretty brilliant. [link]
Sleep Cycle – If you’re not getting enough sleep, you’re not going to feel alright- never mind feeling better if you’re sick! Sleep is crucial to reducing symptoms of anxiety and depression, so I started tracking mine and making sure I was getting quality sleep. Turns out, I wasn’t! Now with concrete data, I can make sure I’m well rested and in the best possible position for what any day brings. [link]
Way Of Life – Way of Life is a habit tracking and creation app that I love. I used to keep this as a paper list, but the convenience of digital won out again. Way of Life lets you create habits to make or break, and then prompts you to report in daily. When I stopped using Moodkit daily, I started using this to track the habits that make my life feel amazing over a week or so. I mark down which I accomplish, and am much better at remembering to prioritize these important areas of my life every week. [link]
Insight Timer – Slowing down and taking time to sit with my thoughts so I know where my internal monologue is going on any given day is a huge help for me, and Insight timer is a simple app that lets me track my meditation practice. I love that it also has built-in guided meditations that you can listen to free when you want someone to guide you through the experience. [link]
5. I recognized that depression and GAD symptoms are things that happen to me, and trust that my feelings are not facts.
One of the most helpful decisions I made was to give myself some distance. I identify as someone who has anxiety and depression, but not as anxious or depressed aside for on days where my symptoms flare up. I think about my symptoms like the weather – they’re not bad or good, they’re events that come and go, and I can choose to react to them.
When my depression gets bad, my body experiences exhaustion and sadness, but I know that it’s not because my life is exhausting or sad. The more practice I have with not buying into the feelings that my symptoms kick up, the less I suffer when I have hard days. Instead of getting upset about how I’m feeling, struggling against it, or try to fix what’s causing it, I trust that it’s just a weather system passing through and focus on being kind to myself and waiting it out. It doesn’t make it the feeling less real, but it doesn’t add to how much I suffer while I’m experiencing them.
I’ve also made an effort to wrap my mind around the idea that our society pursues happiness like it’s something you can put on the shelf at your house, but happiness is fleeting, temporary and often outside ourselves. Tragedy happens to all of us, trauma happens, and we can still have full, meaningful lives without a lot of the uncomplicated, effortless happiness that we imagine other people experience when we’re flipping through their social media accounts. Instead, I try not to fetishize happiness or even chase it, and I focus on cultivating a meaningful life, filled with great food, rewarding relationships, and a helping other people through my work.
I don’t think that this is the end of my story or the definitive version – but it’s a candid picture of where I am now, and what’s helped so far.
Today: Seven years after my diagnosis! I’m a mom, business owner, family breadwinner, and I feel better than I ever dreamed I could.
If you suffer from depression, anxiety, or mental illness, or if someone you love does, you are in my heart and prayers. I can only speak to my experience, and what has worked for me. I’ve received hundreds of emails since I started sharing my story in 2010 from readers who finally got treatment or a diagnosis from reading my original post. I thought it was silly not to share what’s helped me.
More than anything else, if anxiety or depression interfere with your daily life, please get help. Don’t wait. Speak to someone. Stop robbing yourself of years that are half lived because you only have so many. Your whole life could be on the other side of the decision to get help.
You’re never going to be completely ready, but it’s worth taking the chance and finding out.
Thank you Kyla for sharing your thoughts. This is really great and innovative. I learn few things from here which are really great. well done.
Love you my brave, strong, resilient friend. You are an inspiration to me and so many others! xo
Ah, Lenore! Thank you so much love <3
It is inspirational for everyone. How you dealt with it. Thanks for sharing with us.
Very inspiring post. Thanks for sharing =) People fighting anxiety conceal their anxiety and they do everything in their power to make sure people don’t see their struggle. We should try and reach out to people who feel they don’t fit in and let them know they’re not alone.
Hello Kyla,
Thank You for sharing this informative post!
Kyla, You are managing this amazingly, Thank you sharing this informative post, will share with others so they can make their life better as you.
Hi everyone. I just wanted to ask if any of you have tried marijuana for medication purposes? I’ve been suffering severe anxiety for almost a year now and planning to use medical marijuana products for my condition.I’ve been reading some articles about cannabis and its medical properties and im very fascinated about it. Not lucky for me in my country use of marijuana is illegal but now im planning to move in Colorado where you can use marijuana without any hassle. I really wanted to hear your thoughts about this and if you can give my any advice or tips feel free to tell me. Thanks
Apparently, there are some strains that can be helpful, especially for anxiety, but it’s not well studied. Self-medicating is a really tricky thing, no matter what substance you’re doing it with. First and foremost I would say find a therapist and a doctor that you trust and speak with them and start doing regular check-ins to make sure your symptoms aren’t escalating.
Looping in a professional makes this so much less fraught and risky because you’re not managing this alone. Anxiety and depression are serious medical situations that can be life-threatening and escalate quickly. Most critically, they change your judgment and perspective. It’s risky to make dosing and treatment decisions alone, no matter what treatment path you’re exploring. I hope you find something that works for you, and that you keep reaching out for support!
Hi Kyla,
Congratulations on feeling like yourself again! And thanks for taking the time to try and help others.
I unfortunately haven’t yet found anything that consistently works for me – I’m seeing a psychiatrist and have tried a couple of meds and also therapy.
How did you go about “learning how and why different anxiety disorders have different symptoms, what causes them, what treats them, why treatments that aren’t medication based work for some people, and what medication does for others”??? I think this woul be very helpful
Thanks
That’s a great question, Dave. Thanks! This book is what helped me with that. It breaks down how to manage anxiety based on the type you have and shares why you’re experiencing those things on a physical level. It’s extremely actionable. I hope it helps!
Addicted to Worry: My Life with Generalized Anxiety Disorder by Steve Swain M.Ed. is an excellent read about GAD and its gripping impact. Very worthwhile read and highly recommended.
https://www.amazon.com/Addicted-Worry-Generalized-Anxiety-Disorder/dp/1979992177/
Thanks for letting me know, Miranda! There are so few stories that do that well – I really appreciate the link.
Thank you for sharing your experiences. Yes, it is absolutely exhausting to live with GAD. The problem is that GAD and depression are a question of the degree of anxiety or depression one is going through, where one degree lower would mean that you are functioning fine and two degrees more could become a huge stumbling block. Sometimes, people find it difficult to distinguish when to seek help. Your story is a huge help in this direction.
WOW! What a GREAT post! I too suffer from severe anxiety and I really did enjoy reading your blog post. I thought asking for help would be scary as well when I first came out and told my guardians that I have not been feeling right and I too, became extremely depressed. I remember my first visit with the doctor about my anxiety…it might of took a good hour before I opened up and spoke about it because I was super nervous that I was going to be judged or looked at like I was crazy. I am grateful for everything positive that has came my way, but it definitely took a VERY long time to get to where I am today. I am still fighting my mental illness, but I am defeating it better than ever! You truly are inspiring!
Um, this is the best article on the internet about getting help for anxiety, seriously…
I consider myself largely recovered. Generalized and health anxiety rear their ugly heads from time to time, but whew, I live life like a normal human being and enjoy it.
What you’ve outlined here is basically what eventually got me to that place.
In fact, the one thing that you noted that I don’t think a lot of people do but should is track their anxiety and its symptoms. I used a mobile app, KeepTrack Pro, not the ones you mentioned, but I’m going to check those out.
I’m sure this article has helped a ton of people… Right on Kyla!
Thank you so much Ben! These are wonderful resources, and you genuinely made my day. I’m glad this is helpful :)
Thank you a million for sharing this. I was diagnosed just like you but 3 years ago, although my first serious episode happened 12 years back. Back then I just went to therapy and it kind of helped, but when I started taking medication after being properly diagnosed by my doctor, I realized I had just put a band-aid on a broken leg with that therapy. I had a bad relapse 6 months ago and I’m still working towards my recovery. These 2 things together are hellish to go through but it’s really helpful to read stories like yours, it shows there’s light at the end of the tunnel and I’m incredibly thankful for that. Right now I’m taking a medication that helps my brain use the neurotransmitters as it should and I’m also doing cognitive therapy, and that helps a lot. I’ve been lucky with my therapist and we work really well together ????
Again, thank you. And sorry for the long post! ????
Very inspiring post. Thanks for sharing =) People fighting anxiety conceal their anxiety and they do everything in their power to make sure people don’t see their struggle. We should try and reach out to people who feel they don’t fit in and let them know they’re not alone.
Love your tats, love he blog, wondering if you’d be interested in being a guest on my anxiety podcast located at http://www.anxietyexit.com. Keep up the great mental health work, we all need more inspiration.
Thank you very much for providing me some valuable information. I am not familiar with men’s group therapy or counseling. Could you please provide me some names, so that I can join and hope it may help me to overcome from this devastating illness. Also kindly requesting you to provide any kind of useful information to fight with this disease.
By luckily I came to read your blog and found some sought of hope to get out of depression. I diagnosed with depression (Dysthymia) in the beginning of 2012. In the first few months was horrible I want not able to understand myself on what is going wrong on me. Finally one physician diagnosed me and declared that I am clinically depressed with Dysthymia. The major symptoms present on me that time was severe anxiety, lack of interest in each and everything, especially in sex and all pleasurable activities such as watching a movie, most liked sports event etc. This time I didn’t reveal my situation to anyone and the same time my family forced to me get married and I got married. I have been living my marriage life since that time to till now, almost 4 years completed now. I got a baby in the second year. Honestly I can say I never experienced an emotional attachment with my wife and to my kid, also I didn’t experience any romance with my wife, no sex drive (Libido) yet. I started taking medicines for depression continuously more than 1 and half years. It just helped me to lift out my anxiety and gave me some side effects as well. After that I stopped taking all medicines and for the last one year I am not taking any medicines. I can say my current situation is like emotionally numb (Anhedonia). I am leading a Robotic life. Every day going for work, earning money to support my family. But I am losing my life. I cannot love my wife or kid. I am not getting any emotional attachment with them but I really want to love and care them but I can’t. No sexual arousal or desire coming to my mind, I am not getting any kind of pleasure from any activities that I used to enjoy in past(before2012).
If anyone experienced this kind of situation in your life ever, please advise to me how I can come out from this illness. I really want to enjoy my family life. So please support and help me……….
I’m so sorry to hear about your situation. The best way for you to get support is to speak to a therapist and your family doctor immediately. Join a men’s support group for people struggling with depression, and speak to them about it. Speak to your wife about your feelings. You’re highly articulate about your issue and have insight about your illness, and that’s amazing. But knowing about them is different than doing something about them. They way my daily life improved was by telling myself that it doesn’t cound to know things. It only counts to do things about it. Untreated depression is like having a spinal injury and leaving it untreated in the hopes that it improves. Take action in small ways, like find phone numbers to doctors today. Make an appointment tomorrow. Then keep doing on thing, every day. Small actions add up. Stop knowing, start doing.
Thanks for your prompt response. I don’t want reveal my conditions to my wife, the reason is, she may start thinking about my situation and it will ruin her happiness. So I feel better to live with them as an actor not to make any pain on them because me and my condition. I consulted therapist and doctors and underwent for their treatment for more than an year continuously. It doesn’t made any change on me positively. After the treatment I felt fully emotionally numb when compared with the beginning stage of my depression. That time I was having at least some kind of feeling sad and anxiety. But after the treatment now I can’t feel anything no happiness no sadness at all. completely in a neutral stage. I think this condition is known as Anhedonia. I want to try for treatment of this, but the main barrier is that I am working in abroad and there is no famous psychiatrist or therapist here also the treatment cost is very high. I am staying alone here and my family is in my native now. After this disease started, I never felt any nostalgic feeling about my home, village or about my family. In fact, I really want to get my life back, but I don’t want to leave my job and go back to my country for treatment. If I did, the sufferers will be my family. So can you suggest me some natural remedies that I can be tried here without help of others…
It’s tempting to think that you need a famous psychologist or therapist, but if therapy wasn’t working I would suggest finding a new therapist or joining a men’s group therapy or counseling group. There should be free groups or very low cost options available without a medical plan, no matter where you’re located. I’d suggest this workbook as a starting point, but speaking with other people – and finding new ones to speak to when what you’re doing isn’t helping – is the natural remedy that helps people get their life back. You’re in my thoughts.
I do worry about my wife with depression. She has always had mild depression since we have been married, but as she gets older I find that it is getting worse. Nothing serious but I do monitor her moods every day.
Kyla it was amazing reading your story. I was diagnosed with both GAD and depression last week. I had been fighting these feeling of crying over nothing feeling heart broken and even felt so nervous at time I thought my body would jump outta my skin. I never got to where all I wanted to do is sleep though my issue was never sleeping which hasn’t gotten any better yet for they have started me in concealing for now to see how bad things really are. I was so scared to reach out for help not only cause I was scared ppl would think I was crazy but I feared someone would say I was and try to take my kids from me (which are my world). i always feel as if no one understands me or what I’m facing at all. I’ve never had thoughts of hurting myself or others but I knew I couldn’t keep living this way when at one point I was a very happy going person where now it’s like I’m just stuck . Your story gave me light. Knowing there are others facing this also and not just me
Anah, thank you for taking the time to let me know about your story. It’s so scary to know you need help, and not be sure what will help, but I’m wildly proud of you for reaching out and starting to explore your options. It’s a huge first step, and I like to remember that reaching out for help will never be that scary again! That’s a kind of superpower in it’s own right. Keep talking about what you’re going through, reaching out and widening that support network of yours. I’m cheering you on! :)
I just started taking Effexor XR (37.5mgs) for GAD / depression. I experienced a “sudden” collapse about 2 years ago and uncontrollable anxiety and depression came flooding into my life. Prior to that day, I thought I’d lived a normal happy life. I resisted medication for 2 years, thinking I could beat it on my own. I appreciate all you shared. I’ve experienced all sorts of physical symptoms of anxiety (loss of appetite, back pain, stomachache, gagging, etc). How long did it take you to know Effexor was working and how did you know you’d found the right dose?….. I just want to feel like myself and stop worrying obsessively.
You kept talking about GAD but did not explain what it stood for.
Thanks for reading Carol! GAD stands for Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and the abbreviation is explained in the first paragraph of the post. Thanks for the comment, I hope this clears up any confusion.
My mom has been struggling with anxiety for almost 10 years. We thought it was just a part of her menopausal phase. But then she keeps getting worse as the days go by. She’s got no problems in life. She has three successful kids and my dad really loves her and takes care of her. It’s just that her mind is always getting the better of her.
Hopefully when she reads your story, it will give her a new outlook in life. The only thing that can cure herself is her mindset. Thank you so much for this encouranging story.
I’m sorry to hear that, that’s a huge challenge. I would encourage you to get her into CBT therapy as soon as possible. I started it this year and it’s had a life changing effect – it teaches the mindset shift you’re talking about. Working with a professional is a huge help and it takes some of the weight off of you & her for managing her health. My thoughts are with you.
Hi Kyla. Thank you for posting this, you captured so beautifully and accurately how I am feeling. It really helps to be reminded that others feel the same and to share tips on feeling better; and it is also helpful to be reminded that there are others who DON’T feel the same way, the lesson being that we don’t have to accept such intense feelings of depression and anxiety as “just the way it is for us”. I am going to check out those apps, I’d never heard of any of them. Thank you again!
Thanks for letting me know this was helpful, Bethany! This is tough stuff and I hope it eases for you. You deserve a beautiful life, and trying out different things and actively working out what works for you is the biggest part of making that a reality. Good luck with these tools!
thank you for sharing. i also suffer from this. cognitive behaviour therapy is excellent. :)
Glad to hear it was helpful for you too, Julia. It’s such a relief to find something that has an impact, isn’t it? I hope you keep on taking great care of yourself & healing!
What a great post, Kyla. I have seen some of your other posts on this topic and so appreciate your vulnerability and transparency, because struggling with mental health is something that we should ALL feel more comfortable talking about — as we often talk about our PHYSICAL health! Thank you for sharing those apps; I will definitely check them out as I’m always looking for resources both for me and to share with my therapy clients for when they leave treatment. I also SO agree with you about that talk from Kristin Neff — holy moly, coming from a place of self-compassion vs self esteem means that you don’t have to WAIT until you feel like you “love yourself” before you treat yourself with love! That I can get behind. :)
Thanks for sharing Kyla. I can only imagine the number of people who will be helped by this. So interesting to read about your journey and I’m so so happy you are feeling better.
Thank you so much for this. I don’t know. I found this post that was linked from another blog and seriously…this is just AWESOME. Thank you for the information, resources, and also the sharing of your story. Some of what you said really hit home with me, like the not realizing how bad it was until it was REALLY bad, and how you think it’s going to be scary to get help but what’s scarier is trying to live with it every day without help and letting it consume you. I am so glad this page was linked. I am totally following you now. (Also: I like your layout – nice, clean lines, pretty fonts sprinkled in, large enough font to read easily, the whole thing is not too busy and very pleasing to the eye.
Looking back at my 20s it was filled with anxiety, stress and depression. I was on complete auto-pilot and survived solely on that. Now as I am in my 30s and I look back, I see that I should have asked for help. Everything came on too fast and it was difficult to handle. It still is. Thank you for this post, Kyla. I look forward to our get together soon!
This is an amazing post! So many resources! I’m bookmarking it to go through it all later, when I can concentrate better. I have severe depression, a very nasty, resilient bugger, and my life sucks most of the time. I am very happy for you, and I’m sure you are a very strong and wonderful person to have achieved what you have now. Thanks for the post, and for sharing your experiences!
Kyla, thanks for sharing your story, especially this update & some insight into your coping mechanisms. As you know, I’ve dealt with some similar issues & a near-exact diagnosis myself, & I, too, have been outspoken about removing the stigma around mental illness & encouraging others who are struggling to find the help they need & deserve. Still, it’s always a relief of sorts to see someone who I admire “come out” about their own issues around depression & anxiety, reminding all of us that mental illness doesn’t discriminate, can happen to anyone, & indeed often affects some of the most brilliant & creative minds.
Thanks again for this. You continue to be an inspiration & an encouragement in so many ways!
Thank you so, so, so much for speaking so openly about your diagnosis. I think we’re getting better as a society, but mental illness still has a huge stigma and every person that speaks up about it and makes themselves vulnerable to judgment and/or rejection because of it, is a hero in my book.
I think you’re fabulous (you know that!) and knowing the “not-so-glamorous” parts about you, make you even more lovable. <3
Thanks for sharing this Kyla, it was inspiring to read and I loved your suggestions. I can definitely relate to some of what you shared, and I’m so glad to hear that things are going well for you now :) Thank you for sharing your experiences!
you are a true inspiration. It feels amazing to read this and know there are others out there that have been through the same thing I have. I have been on Paxil since I was 19 for anxiety and last year went through the deepest depression I have ever felt. Luckily my husband was there for me and never left my side. I to got to the point of “how much longer can this last?”. I was then put on another medicine to help. I still have little spurts of anxiety here and there but I thank God everyday that i made it through that time. It is very scary and hard to go through. Thank you for sharing.
YOU Kyla,YOU, are amazing!!! You, the person that encouraged me and built me up the other day. You, the person who boosted me up when I was feeling down and discouraged. You, the person who chatted with me while I found the courage to overcome my hurt. YOU ARE INCREDIBLE. This was such a strong and yet vulnerable post. You’re remarkable and I feel so fortunate to have met you. Keep blogging girl. You’re awesome!
Knowing your truth and process is hard enough to manage, let alone express it in such a beautiful way. I’m so glad to hear that you’ve learned how to manage your depression and anxiety disorder. xo
Going to new places or meeting new people was extremely stressful, so I invented workarounds like visiting a new place the day before so I could plan where I would park and how I would walk to where I was going. – See more at: https://kylaroma.com/2014/10/live-mostly-happily-depression-generalized-anxiety-disorder/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+kylaroma+%28Kyla+Roma%29#sthash.yz0O5nKA.dpuf
This. You just made me realize I’m not insane or weird. (Quirky, but that’s a different story). I used to tell myself, I an being cautious and organized. Up until now I never realized it just might be my anxiety. I want to give you a gigantic hug. I’ve alway admired how you expressed and shared your story of GAD and depression. Thank you. You have no idea how this post has changed my life. I’m at that point where thinking about talking to my doctor want to make me cry. Nevertheless, I probably have to do it soon before gloomy winter starts. One thing I’ll tell you, having support of friends and family makes a whole lot of difference. Mine were not so friendly after I told them about my situation (I’ve always been depressed on and off through my entire life). But now I have hope, at least for myself. Thanks again!
Thank you Farah! I always wonder, “What the heck am I doing spilling my guts on the internet anyways…” when I post something like this – especially something that’s emotional. Your comment made this worthwhile, without a doubt. I’m so glad sharing my story connected some dots for you. It amazes me how we’re all tucked inside our own experiences to the point that it’s hard to see why we’re doing things. Insight is a huge gift that not everyone with depression or anxiety has.
Speaking to a professional is stressful the first time, but the beautiful thing is that after that first experience it’s never that hard again. One of the things that made me laugh and helped me get help was relying on dark humor, so I would remind myself that if I was anxious and tearful most of the time anyway, I might as well do that in a doctor’s office and come out with a possible solution! ;)
You’ve got this!
This is wonderful, Kyla. Thanks for sharing it. I could definitely identify with parts of it, and it’s so nice to read stories like this and know you’re not alone. *hugs*
Wow. Thanks for sharing. I’ll be passing that resource list along too.
Kyla – thank you for writing this. I’m going through such a similar situation right now, and I’m still fighting with myself to get help. Anxiety is a terrible thing thats taking over my life, and I hope I can overcome it to get help soon. Your honesty was so inspiring, thank you for sharing your story.
Thank you for sharing what you’re going through Micaela, it’s so hard to do that when you’re in the middle of it. What I’ll say is that it feels hard and scary to get help now – but just because getting help doesn’t feel someone’s throwing you a birthday party doesn’t mean it’s not exactly what you should be doing.
Right now you can see that it’s a choice, but if your anxiety gets worse over time you may lose sight of that, and not be able to get help until you have a crisis moment after years of your life becoming less and less functional.
It takes most people 10 years to seek help for an anxiety disorder. There are so many possibilities in there that you can let pass you by in a decade because you’re trapped! Depression and anxiety lie to you, and your inner dialogue will try to keep you “safe”… but it’s measurements of what’s safe vs. dangerous are all wrong, and you know that already.
There is probably free walk in counseling near you, there are free help lines no matter where you are (any suicide prevention or crisis help phone has trained people who can support you), there are lots of ideas and links above, and you can always just call your family doctor. Be brave, lovely! It’s so worthwhile. I’m cheering you on and supporting you xo
This year I ended up in the emergency room because I was pretty sure I was having a heart attack. Nope, anxiety. It was a horrible low point for me but I am so glad it forced me to talk to doctors about my feelings. I started taking medication a few months ago and yeah, it’s crazy the things I’m noticing about myself. I can drive a car without agonizing over it for hours first. I can talk to a person on the phone (although it’s still the worst, I have to work on that one). I used to suffer from pretty bad misophonia but that’s almost all gone now. I still feel like I’m only at the beginning of a long road but it’s great.
Thanks for sharing your story all the time, it makes me feel less crazy. :)
I’m glad you got help, Nova! It’s so helpful to have good people on your team working through this with you. I don’t have panic attacks, but I used to get chest pains that would literally stop me from being able to walk when they hit and it was only later that I realized it was anxiety. The physical symptoms from all this stuff are wild – I can’t even remember all of the ones that started to fall away when my medication started helping me.
I’m glad I can make you feel less crazy, or less alone in the crazy! I’m excited to hear about how you’re doing in the coming months. Don’t hesitate to reach out if you need someone xo
Oh Kyla – I’m so glad to hear that things are going grand for you! It sounds like it was a really hard road to go down. I think it’s especially interesting with how people quite close can be having such a different experience and not even know! Definitely a reason to be kind and patient with people. Lovely post, hey. High five!
It’s a great excuse to put some more kindness out there, to smile at strangers, and to be a shoulder for the people around you. Thanks, Elly!